This is gonna be long

Night before last, I finally faced up to something that happened a long time ago and told people about it in full for the first time. It came up during a fight between me and LordSparrow where he was driving me to tears trying to defend men getting pushy about sex (it started about the Aziz Ansari situation and spread from there). It was so weird coming from him, and nothing I said was getting through. So, I finally told him: before he and I started dating, our friend M fingered me when he thought I was passed out drunk while I froze in shock and pretended to be unconscious until he stopped. I yelled it at him. We still hang out with M, 13 years later. He was at our wedding. He’s deeply integrated into our friend group. I’ve been living with this event shoved deep in the back of my mind, enveloping it in layers of shame and self-doubt over the years while acting like everything is fine between us. Because he’s a Good Guy! He’s the teddy bear of the group who would never harm anyone! He couldn’t have REALLY done what he did, could he? No way! Except he did. And I know that he did.

Well, LordSparrow was stunned, but immediately believed me. Then he told me that some weird shit over the years suddenly made a whole world of sense. It turns out that while M had been loudly celebrating LS and my relationship, he’d been whispering poison about me in LS’s ear all along. Little comments about my past suggesting it was a lot more wild than I’d let on (I’d known M for a couple years before LS and I got together, so it’s reasonable to believe he’d know stuff like that). Like, last time we were all out, I came back from the bathroom at the bar and said “omg there’s people having sex in there”; M leaned in to LS and whispered “yeah, she’d know a thing or two about that”. Just...what the fuck? Why would you say that? Oh, I know! Because you’ve always thought of me as a cheap fucking whore and it’s always pissed you off I wouldn’t fuck YOU. All this time I thought we were friends, but you were just waiting around to see if I’d finally throw you a bone, and when I got married to a far better man than you’ll ever dream of being you couldn’t take it and had to use every opportunity to undermine me in his eyes. I’m furious, and hurt, and confused. LS says he never mentioned M’s weird remarks because he didn’t want me to think he was judging my past if any of it was true, but realized that was a mistake.

I’m not feeling well. I spent all day yesterday with a splitting headache and puking my guts out about once an hour. On top of finally facing what he did, there’s 13+ years of “friendship” exploding in my face. 13+ years of some man duping me into thinking he was someone valuable in my life. All that time convincing myself what he did wasn’t really bad because that didn’t fit my image of him. Trusting in who everyone said he was instead of what I knew he did. I still feel sick to my stomach today. And just depressed thinking about next steps.