Warning : long and whiny post up ahead. I offer a blinking kitten to make up for it. Scroll to the end if you'd be willing to offer information about your experience of counseling.
Last night the boyfriend and I got into an argument, frankly because I had a short temper and made an uncalled for remark because I felt he was egging me on. (I was talking how I hoped I'd get the chance to give a review on my graduation supervisor, as I had with every other teacher and he kept responding with an 'thats not going to happen' and I got annoyed/upset. I shouldn't have, I was a dick.)
This argument snowballed into a very long fight and talk that lasted for hours. I'm not sure about how I feel about it.
A topic that we talked about we're about how he felt annoyed by my stories because from the first word he'd know what it was about and I can be longwinded. But he doesn't have that problem with just me but with anyone. But when he talks he feels nobody understands it, no matter how well he tries to explain himself. He feels that this is because he's more intelligent than other people and on some levels he is. Although this sounds very douchy I could tell that he truly felt extremely isolated and lonely because of this.
When I start telling him some 'unimportant' story he often responds annoyed and urges me to get to the point (because he already sees where it is going), I on the other hand consider this a bonding thing. You share stuff. I've learned to deal with his impatience by deciding to not tell him much. Only some lighthearted and short cliffsnotes. Except for the last six months where I've been dealing with the stress from graduation and every day was just more stress and when I shared this with him, he shut me out. Last night he told me that the reason that he'd told me he wasn't there for me to dump all my shit on, he said that was because he'd hit a wall and he had been extremely stressed at work himself. He'd been working overtime a lot and things weren't often good. He'd never specifically spoken to me about this but he had expected me to know and be more considerate of him. I agree to that. On the other hand, I've spent the 5 years before that being considerate of him and him not of me.
He feels that I've put up a wall and I won't let it back down. He feels that I don't work hard enough to get this relationship back to where it was. Although much of our relationship has been happy I also feel like much of it centered around me learning how to deal with him, not often the other way around. He feels that it's reversed of course.
I suggested that we needed someone, outside of us, that could help us connect and communicate. I suggested it several times throughout the conversation and he ended up responding with a "We don't need that. You just need to try harder."
I love him, I do. And I know he loves me. He told me many times about how he thinks I'm the most amazing person and he thinks more highly of me than of everyone else. That's why he feels comfortable calling me out or starting discussions about topics (even when I am totally not feeling it) because he considers me an equal. I feel smaller and more tired with every discussion.
Today was a nice day, we went to the market, made tuna melts, took a bath. We laughed and kissed and hugged and there was love. For him that feels like everything is okay and he feels gutted that underneath that, I often feel like it isn't. He doesn't know how to make that better.
I just don't know how much longer I can do this, especially considering that he just won't hear my side of the story. And I'm very willing to admit that I don't hear him well enough either. We need help, but he isn't willing to accept that.. And I don't know how to fix us. And that makes me feel guilty and a failure.
Could you all share your story's of couples counselling? Did anyone deal with an unwilling partner but ended up going and making it work? It feels like now that this is pretty much a dealbreaker.