I have my first huge exam tomorrow. It's 1.30 a.m. in the morning, and I feel... like I'm on the edge... It feels a little like a panic attack and nothing makes sense in my head and I can't find the things I need for my exam and I just want to sleep forever. (It's like my heart's not beating right and I walk on tiptoe, on edge, as if something is coming as if) I have been reading this play- Blood Relations, a wonderful, lovely play about Lizzie Borden who killed her stepmom and her father, and one of the lines stuck to me, it goes like this: "I want to die, but something says no... I can do anything." Indeed that is how I feel all the time. I cannot get rid of my mantra; it rings persistently in my head. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.
I don't know what this is. This is not a mental breakdown. I am okay. I am prepared. I am clever. I am good at what I do. I am relaxed. Tomorrow, I will wear my new shirt, and tie my hair up, and wear my nice, reliable maroon Chucks. I will read the paper well and understand everything, and grip my pen properly, leaving interesting and insightful responses as it meanders across the paper. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
I wish I could sleep. I want to sleep now. I want to be lost in the limbo of slumber, forever in sweet, sweet unconsciousness.
GIFs would be helpful.