I need a pick me up. And how. Trigger warning for self-esteem issues, eating disorders, and all sorts of MitsubiShe craziness. :(

So...MitsuBT talks in his sleep. Usually, it's pretty funny. This weekend, not so much. He asked me to wake him up early on Sunday so I tried to wake him, and he responded with "No, (girl's name), I don't want to go." He sounded really sad. Then he did his death-grip cuddle of doom, so I let him sleep. He usually says random stuff in his sleep (see above), so I wasn't too worried about it. Until I mentioned it to him the next day. It was obvious from the look on his face that the name he called out is his ex wife's name. He admitted it later, but told me it means nothing, he's over her, blah blah.

This on top of finding out he was only divorced for 4 months when we met (after 6 years of them being together, including a prior divorce and remarriage) and that they were trying to make it work all the way up until the divorce was final. He says he did sleep around a bit after the divorce, so he was ready to date when we met.

So it bothered me a bit. But instead of just getting over it and focusing on how awesome our relationship is, what did MitsubiShe do? If you guessed "look the ex wife up on Facebook," you win. Turns out she's a bombshell. And a size 0/2 at best. She's tatted up (way more so than I), obviously knows how to style her long, gorgeous locks, has a pretty amazing sense of fashion, and can do all the makeup things that I seem to be incapable of.

I am a size 12 (on a good day). I have a muffin top, am in desperate need of a haircut (but I'm trying to grow it out again!), have no idea how to do anything with make up besides eyeliner and mascara, and live in t-shirts, jeans, and skate shoes. I am the worst at being a "girl."

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This discovery has sent me into a spiral of low self-esteem/depression and triggered some pretty serious eating issues. I have a history of ED (hospitalized for anorexia when I was younger) and depression. I've spent yesterday and today forcing myself to eat at least 2 meals a day, and then forcing myself to keep them down when I'm immediately hit by a wave of nausea. I don't want to have sex, I don't want him to see me naked, I just want to curl up and die.

What do I do? MitsuBT is so awesome. When I think about it, I really don't doubt that he loves me and is attracted to me. I just don't understand WHY he's attracted to me. He's conventionally attractive (and that's not just me being biased, he gets looks and gets hit on all the time, even when we are together). I am...not. I really don't want MY issues to get in the way of our relationship, but I'm worried he's starting to notice something is wrong.

I wish I could go see a therapist, but I really have no money right now. Unless I quit smoking, but since I'm petrified I'm going to gain weight when I quit, that ain't happening anytime soon.

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I feel so shitty right now. I'm going for a run (again).