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Help Me Live My Life

possible trigger- depression

Before I begin I want to say that I'm sorry if I come off like an asshole these days. I was going through an incredible amount of stress, and being mainpaged didn't help. Don't get me wrong, it's an honour, but any sense of achievement I felt was greatly overshadowed by the criticism I got. I do feel like my writing was unworthy of a huge audience, and I did feel embarrassed at the amount of views it got. I also have said things during this period of time that I now regret, and I want to say I am sorry. Hope none of you guys think I am an asshole.


That said, I do kind of need your help. I just graduated from high school and I find myself possessing a rather large amount of free time. In return, I could be a vessel to fulfill your fantasies. Possibly. Actually you probably won't get anything from this at all.

A little background on me first. I am an incredibly screwed up, juvenile young adult with severe depression and a habit of procrastination. I used to have friends, but then I moved to Australia, and had two friends in this whole continent. I didn't have the confidence or the energy to make anymore, and slowly I just became withdrawn and generally pathetic. I am convinced that depression is ruining my fucking life. The funny thing is that I am suuuuper privileged. I've got a whole variety of resources at my disposal. I just can't fucking get friends or work hard to better myself. And then I just lapse into a severe depression! A mental breakdown! Because of nothing! It's okay to hate me, I hate myself too.

So, depression is going to be the watchword of my holidays. Or rather, anti-depression? I don't know? I have to fix myself. I know there is something wrong with me, there is something wrong with never being happy, with never laughing, with never smiling and really feeling it. I just want to be better. I know if I let this drag on as I transition into an independent adult, it's going to mark my life forever. I cannot live like this. I cannot function. This, is not living. For my exams, which was my SUPER IMPORTANT INTERNATIONAL BACCALAUREATE EXAMS, I didn't study at all, until the last few hours before my exams. Needless to say, I couldn't concentrate because I had little sleep, and I probably flunked real bad. I know I'm not super stupid, and I have a sense of what I could achieve, but I just never find the motivation to do anything. All I want to do, hell, all I have done this whole year was to sit, motionless, in a perpetual semi-conscious state, wishing I could die. The pathetic cream that tops the whole depression dessert is that I don't even want to die enough to do anything. I just freaking sit there, and wait for death to come. It's like, I don't even know anymore. I don't have hope.

I need to get this fixed. I cannot run my life successfully, to my fullest potential, if I continue living like this. I'm current on Luvox (Fluvoxamine) which doesn't do much for me. I don't like my psychiatrist very much (I no longer assume that I'm bipolar II, but a psych who claims it doesn't exist deserves a little side-eye) Hopefully you guys have recovery stories. Should I look into new meds? Because, ultimately, they're supposed to be a stock-gap measure while I become better through CBT, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I just want to go off. I don't really like meds at all.


The other aspect of my plans for my holidays is getting me at least a bit of a social life. My school friends weren't really super good friends, and one is going off to Korea for the holidays so it rules out an option anyway. I have a couple of people I maybe could befriend, but I'm not sure how to make friends anymore. I haven't made a friend in two fucking years. I guess I just don't know how to have fun without people. I know I can do many things alone, but I think it'd be good to see some friends on some days.

While we're on the topic of fun- any ideas for fun stuff I can do outdoors, with or without company? I am planning on visiting places in Australia I have never been before. I will be doing normal introvert stuff online- like watching Legend of Korra and of course, Groupthink-ing. Unless you kick me out. Then I really don't know what I would do with my life.


Lastly, I want to work. I know I will probably get (even more) depressed without work or intellectual stimulation, so I will try to have a good balance over the holidays. I will try to get a job, but at my age, because of the minimum wage, it's hard to get one. I will try a little writing over the holidays, and I'll read widely. I'm interested in pretty much all fiction books. As for non-fiction, I am interested in the history of women's rights in China, possibly the suffragettes' movement, and perhaps some books or studies on pedophilia, porn and rape. Also interested in psychology, maybe psych books about lying (?), depression, etc. I have access to a university library which I shall go to every now and then, so I can read more academic books.

Sorry for the awfully long post. I just don't know who to talk to other than you guys.

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