So, I came to a realization after having a dream about my ex:
I want him most when my self-esteem is in the crapper and his is at its peak. He honestly isn't a bad guy anymore. He was. He is the reason I'm still so fucked up. But he was abused, and then in turn abused me in the same way. He got therapy, feels horrible for how he treated me, and is a totally different person now.
But whenever I'm at my lowest, which ALWAYS corresponds with when he's at his best, I just feel so inferior to him and want him back. Not just as a friend, but in all senses.
Someone please, just tell me this is a TERRIBLE reason to want someone back. I only want him when the power balance is hugely wrong, and when I feel like the worst person in the world.