Repeat after me: I love my body. I love my body. I love my body. (TW: body issues)

So, catching my breath after the holidays, I realized this weekend that my family vacation to a warm place is in just two weeks! My thoughts: 1) Yahoooooooo! 2) Oh shit, I need a bathing suit.

Background: Over the past year or so, I have gained a not-insubstantial amount of weight due to a combination of overwork, taking comfort in food and lazytime activities when my job and the weather and life have felt sucky, and the closure of the most convenient and cheapest gym near my office. I am trying to rearrange some things to get myself on a healthier, happier path in 2016 - mainly, planning a move that would give me more free time for things like yoga and running and cooking nice meals PLUS a gym in my apartment building. But in the meantime, I’m feeling pretty body conscious and Winnie the Pooh shaped.

So, Winnie needs a new swimsuit in the next two weeks. Between being unsure of my new sizing and already having some fit issues from being a shorty with a small bust, I think I have to take myself tonight or tomorrow to try on whatever off-season swimwear options my local department stores have in stock. Ugh.

It’s weird - I feel like I’ve been able to spare myself the very worst of the bad feelings about this weight gain in part because I don’t have a full-length mirror or a scale in my house to obsess over, and because I’m a transplant in a city where almost no one knows/sees me - only my non-judgmental partner and local bestie and my too-professional-to-say-anything colleagues really ever see me to know that I’ve gained some lbs. I am dreading busting that bubble by seeing my body at all the weird angles a tri-fold fitting room mirror allows this week, having to parade that body in a stretchy fabric in front of my too-judgy-even-if-in-secret family in two weeks, and agonizing over/policing any unflattering social media pictures that result from the vacation (side note uuuuuuuugh: family social media habits - perhaps a post for another time though...).

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I am trying to tell myself it’s not that big a deal, almost everyone has some self-consciousness about their body, that I know why this has happened and am taking steps to change it so all is well, and that I should be focused on how much fun it will be to get away and see my parents and siblings, whom I haven’t seen in 6 months. It’s just... not feeling helpful.

Anyways, thanks for listening, GT. Any mantras or tips you use for feeling better about your bod or for surviving swimsuit shopping specifically are appreciated. <3