Welcome To The Bitchery

Help Me Unmuck The Muck I Helped to Muck

Polyamorous minefield drama after the jump...

So a friend of mine & his ladyfriend have a long distance relationship, internationally so, & have thus decided it's okay to sleep with other people. The arrangement is best described as emotionally monogamous but sexually polyamorous. Their additional stipulation is that she wishes to be informed of his sexual trysts, while he would rather not hear of hers.

So the other night, I wound up crashing at his place because it was late, & I have a long commute. We both got in bed in our undies because it was 489 jillion degrees, & he doesn't have an A/C. Sex wound up happening. Among all the times I have ever "accidentally" hooked up with a friend, this strikes me as the one least likely to lead to any repeat performances, let alone an emotional attachment beyond that which we already have. Honestly, the next morning, our exchange went something like,


Him: "So we had sex last night, huh?"

Me: "Yeah, that was weird."

It occurred to me in the morning that, despite its not being in violation of their "rules," his girlfriend might be upset by what we'd done. While she's even encouraged him to go out & have a random bar hookup, I'm a far cry from a random bar hookup. I'm a close friend. One who he loves and cares about & in whom he confides. One who she's met, & taken a liking to, & friended on social media. My instinct proved right when I noticed today that she had defriended me on FB. I texted him about, & he confirmed that the disclosure did not go well. At all. She's heartbroken. And both he & I feel awful. I empathize with everything she's feeling. There are several past incidents in my love life I can piece together into a Frankenstein facsimile of where she's coming from.

I feel additionally shitty because he just shelled out a non-refundable $2000 on an upcoming trip to visit her.

So how do I help fix this? Do I just talk to him & tell him the right things to say? (Because while the sweetest guy, he's proven to be a little obtuse about emotional nuance.) Or do I endeavor to send her a woman-to-woman message? Arrgh.


Share This Story