Stumped about what to do with all of your spare time now that you've been furloughed? Luckily for you authors Christie Sims and Alara Branwen (see Amazon profile pictures) have been cranking out steaming hot lady-on-dinosaur action for your reading pleasure! Titles include Running From The Raptor and Taken at the Dinosaur Museum.
If your taste runs more toward being the virgin human sacrifice of an orc king, never fear! These intrepid ladies have your back with fantasy titles including Captured by the Gryphon, Training the Dragon, and The Devil in Mrs. James.
Did I mention that Ms. Branwen has an email listed on her Amazon profile for novel requests? You can't start Christmas shopping too early!
Please stay tuned while I download one of these books and do some journalism on it.
15:04 EST: I now have the free Kindle app and four books: Aesop's Fables, Pride & Prejudice, Treasure Island, and The Orc Chief's Virgin Tribute. My Amazon "featured recommendations" have been permanently sullied. It's time to do a journalism.
15:16 EST: Our human heroine Kierna is currently trapped in the orc king's sex lair. So far fifteen paragraphs have been dedicated to sexy stuff, while five paragraphs covered politics. One paragraph was used to assure us that Kierna has nice pillows and is totally into it.
15:22 EST: "As she drank her brandy, Kierna listened to the chief explain the history, trade practices, and other abstract information related to the origin of the brandy." So far this seems like a dull OkCupid date. Except Kierna can see his boner and it's clearly massive.
15:26 EST: "She had never touched a man before, and she had been taught to hate and fear the Orcs. Her tangle of emotions warred as Kierna stroked him carefully through his trousers." At this time the laughter has become unstoppable and my cat is concerned.
15:30 EST: He quite literally just ripped her bodice. All narrative detail so far supports my belief that he looks exactly like Shrek.
15:34 EST: "His lips were dry, but incredibly soft as he dragged them over her sensitive ribcage."
15:42 EST: Well. We're done here, and so is Kierna. No spoilers here but I think Shrek can react on my behalf.
That said: I think we need more journalism.
It's time to download Ravished by the Triceratops.
15:54 EST: Ravished by the Triceratops is off to a...start: "We are gathered today to see these three girls, on the verge of becoming women, take their challenge and become full members of the clan!, The Chief's voice boomed out over the gathered crowd," by which, of course, he means they are going to have sex with dinosaurs.
15:59 EST: Please accept my sincere apologies. Based on the four or five paragraphs I just read about how to hunt and kill dinosaurs to obtain food and Etsy products, I think these young naked ladies are being tasked to hunt down and kill dinosaurs as a rite of passage. No mention of dinosaur fucking has been made so far. They're just naked, okay? There's nothing wrong with that. Glistening buttocks. WHAT? Nothing wrong with that. Hard nipples.
16:09 EST: “No single person has ever taken on a Tri-Horn alone before and survived." Our protagonist has chosen to hunt down the vicious "Tri-Horn" (Triceratops® is a trade mark of the Smithsonian Institution) in order to gain status in her tribe.
16:20 EST: Hero Protagonist says a touching public goodbye to her boyfriend: ''Then come back soon and I will give you something.' Coulard told me as he bucked his hips, fucking my hand." In his defense, he does actually seem to be a caveman.
14:28 EST: Hero Protagonist jumps right back into action after a quick bone with her stone-bro: "Just a few moments later, I was back on my feet and preparing for the hunt." This is like Sex in the City but with no city. That is so meta.
14:33 EST: After about two paragraphs of hunting we have tracked down a couple of triceratops, and an extremely detailed description of their horns is being provided.
16:39 EST: As the triceratops charges at Hero, her life flashes before her eyes. This is understandable because giant charging animals are scary. However, what does she flash back to? "I recalled hugging my father, feeling the hardness of his erection pushing into my belly through our hide clothing and pulling away, looking at him in horror."
Just let that marinate for a second.
16:44 EST: "The Tri-Horn looked as if it were sad as it looked at me and I realised the big male was alone. Its mate had left, probably because I had caused it to lose a horn." Dinosaur pity sex? Dinosaur pity sex.
16:48 EST: "He thrust the broken horn at me as if to say, “ You did this to me! Now you get to make it up to me!” I looked into the creature's eyes and saw the rage there, but I saw lust as well." I'd just like to take this moment to remind everyone of the importance of verbal consent.
16:49 EST: "I couldn't believe this was happening — I had a ten-ton monster licking my ass!" It's like Penthouse...without the Penthouse. So meta.
16:52: "I decided that I probably could get all this meat in me." This is the least erotic sentence about penetration ever written. In fact, I think just became slightly vegetarian. This story needs to be labeled for side effects. Too bad the FDA is closed.
16:56 EST: And just like that there is one paragraph of dinosaur spunk, and it's over! "I slipped from the rocks and ran like the wind, fleeing from the cave and the creature. It may have been the best sex I’d ever had, but I didn’t want to do it again." All we are left to muse over are Protagonist's extremely disturbing unresolved sexual issues with her father.
My unassailable feminist analysis of the existence of fantasy dinosaur-lady sex novels follows.
Erotica is good. Being able to read erotica on the train without anyone clocking the sketchy cover art is good. That said, I am concerned that this art form will cause women to seek out orcs and dinosaurs as father figures and lovers instead of human men. I think that's something we all, as humans, need to meditate on.
When you're done meditating please feel free to use the brain bleach.