I was just looking through old emails for proof of microchipping my oldest cat since I can’t find the paperwork after 3 moves (going on four!), and I found the following email I got from a different breeder when I was first looking to get her (once you read through, you’ll see why I didn’t go with this one).

Thank you for your message and the interest in our Bengal kitten. Glad to hear you are excited to come and see him. We look forward to meeting you and introducing you to our wonderful Bengal kitten and his family.

As soon as your turn comes up, we will contact you and advise you of your opportunity. If you are still interested in him at that time and we have not yet selected the chosen home, we will request you and your entire family attend an interview with us.

During the interview we will observe and assess the interaction between yourselves and our beloved cats. Along with you and your immediate family, you will be expected to bring all extended family members, including any estranged in-laws who have access to your home and pets for any period of time. While not strictly required, we suggest your close friends and neighbors also accompany you, otherwise, you will be required to submit written documentation from them as character witnesses.

Your position on our consideration list is approximately 14th, so although we empathize with your patience in the wait, that too will assist us in evaluating your tolerance and perseverance for qualified and compassionate pet guardianship. In the meantime, you may opt to submit to us your personal and community resume for our review. This document will serve as your application for adoption of our little kitten and include all your contact information. Volunteer positions, community development, child/youth mentorship, lobbying for the homeless, public speaking against stigma of mental illness, multiculturalism advocacy, prosocial activist endeavors, worthy organizational membership, neighborhood improvement projects, humanitarian awards received, environment preservation measures, nature conservationist activities, etc., are some examples of social support services that are highly valued assets on your resume.

Any past clearance records will be considered. Reference letters from credible sources may also support your application. Copies of spay or neuter certificates of current and previous pets will be helpful. We will require a detailed explanation for any pet in the past that you removed from your home, as well as reference contact with anyone who rehomed a pet from your home. If you are in possession of a fishing or hunting license, an additional questionaire is necessary.

Upon receiving an application, we normally conduct a neighborhood tour of your area. We observe and record community factors including; type and number of pets visible in the community, quality of animal life, evidence of roadkill, amount of traffic, speed limit, number of motorized vehicles versus walking/bicycles/mopeds/riding horses, number and size of native trees (ornamental trees not included), condition and growth of outdoor plants, greenspace/parks/playgrounds/schools, safe recreational areas for children, pesticide/herbicide use, air quality, noise/smell, quality of water, proximity to natural bodies of water, evidence of environmental awareness, respect for natural resources, etc., as these factors contribute to pets and all life in the community.

Please be advised that you are under no obligation or expectation to provide us an application or any other information in the screening process. However, our selection of a qualified home for our kitten is based on confirmed verification of a responsible, compassionate individual or family living in a safe, healthy, natural environment. Further, only those applicants granted an interview will be notified.

Thank you so much for your interest in adopting our little fellow and we look forward to meeting you, your family and friends at our earliest convenience. Since you currently share life with a pet, we have total confidence in your application and trust you have already satisfied all the requirements for ownership with your previous adoption. You may even choose to forward a copy of the scoring you received in that screening in support of your application for our kitten.

Once more, thanks and hope to meet you soon.

All this so that I could get a kitten. I mean, I want to weed out animal abusers, but an environmental assessment of my community? Asking estranged in-laws to come along to the interview? THEY’RE ESTRANGED. I’m mostly certain that it would have been easier to adopt a child.