Oh my god you guys, Heterosexual Awareness Month is almost over and I didn't even know it was happening! I think that really highlights how hard it is for the heterosexual in America :(
You see, you may not know this but I [deep breath] am a heterosexual American. It feels so good to finally get that off my chest, but I know we are all friends here. I may have appeared to be gay from all the hot gay sex I was having when I was 19-20, but I was just trying to be accepted. In my heart I think I always knew I was straight.
I found this website earlier today on facebook and as a heterosexual American white Christian man (as all the members appear to be) it really spoke to me. It explained how I suffer from something called "heterophobia" which is a apparently a real thing even though Chrome's spell check disagrees (more evidence of heterophobia!). Heterophobia is the hatred I get from other people when I call someone a "faggot" or say "GROSS" when I see two people of the same sex holding hands. Homosexuality is now so accepted that it is now nearly illegal to be straight, and we lose more straight people every day.
So, in the spirit of Heterosexual Awareness Month, here are some facts about heterosexuals:
- Straight people can make babies if they have sex with one another (they seem very fixated on this on the site).
- Gay people cannot make babies from gay sex (this is also a very popular topic).
- Many historical world leaders were straight!
- Some straight people are hateful bigots that see equality as a zero sum game and kick and scream as their country moves forward without them. They also love to pretend they are the victims when people call them out for the horrible things they say and do.
There is only one day left of Heterosexual Awareness Month, so celebrate to the fullest! Tell a straight person you know that you tolerate their existence, we appreciate that. Throw a brunch in the park around noon ("lunch") and serve foods with only the most generic of condiments. Think macaroni with ketchup. If you are a man, try wearing a belt that doesn't match your shoes. If you are a woman, just do whatever a man tells you to.
See? "Common Sense."
[Seriously you guys, that site is really, really, stupid. I can't even believe it]
Despite all my helpful comments and raising awareness to the cause, HAM has prohibited me from commenting and erased my previous advice. Oh well.