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Hey, crustee! Are you excited for grad school?!?!?!

Illustration for article titled Hey, crustee! Are you excited for grad school?!?!?!

Why, thank you for asking! No.

Uh oh.

Fuck you!

My undergraduate experience was a nightmare. I had to take two (or three, depending on how you are counting) medical leaves to hospitalized, plus a week where I somehow managed to get discharged from the hospital very quickly and return to school without having to withdraw. And about 98% of the time I was not in the hospital I was plotting my death.


And now I'm going back to school because it turns out you can't do what I want to do with just a Bachelor's degree, which, by the way, is the biggest scam ever. [Here you go, a bajillion dollars so that I can wind up in the same situation I was a few years ago when I had a degree I got for free.] So when people ask if I'm excited, my answer is no, I'm fucking terrified because being constantly suicidal is not an experience I wish to repeat. My therapist and boyfriend tell me I'm a "different person now," but how do they know? Firstly, I've known my boyfriend for only 14 months and I graduated in 2011, so there's no way he can say that for sure. And my therapist? Well, I feel like I seem a different person now because I've been in a different situation for the past two years (i.e., not in school), not because I've actually changed.

And my boyfriend keeps talking about how he's going to miss me because I'm moving to a new city, which makes me feel guilty that I'm not only ruining my life but his. I know he's upset about me moving (if you remember my post from about 1.5 months ago when he asked me to move in...), but he's trying to be more supportive by saying "You're going to have an amazing time! It's a once in a lifetime chance!" It feels fake and makes me feel even more guilty.


Then there's my babydog. I am in love with her, and although I've left her for extended periods before (to go to school, to be hospitalized) it never gets easier. As I have spent the last two years sleeping with her every night, it's going to hurt not to be able to do that anymore. And grad school is 5 years long and she's 7 and... now I'm sobbing.

So then why don't you not go? Great question! And then do what? There is basically nothing I am qualified for that will earn me any money or give me any satisfaction. I can keep on getting minimum-ish wage jobs, but then I will have zero money with which to pay my doctors who are trying to keep me alive and the government who paid for my undergraduate education.


I feel like I am walking into a death trap, and trap is a very fitting word.

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