Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

Did you happen to miss this conference on America's race-war, held in the basement of Washington’s Ronald Reagan building? Yes? Well, don't you fret - Lauren M. Fox of Salon has you covered, and has highlighted some of the most pivotal moments from this well-attended (almost nearly 100 people went!), critical symposium. Here are some of my favorite, annotated moments. But be warned, they are so deep, so compassionate, and so sensible that you may have your worldview forever altered after reading these golden quotes of our generation. Let's start with the basics: linking religion, equanimity, and carnivorous satiation!


“God did not give people inalienable rights any more than he made them all equal and it is just the silliest kind of thing,” said Sam Dickson, an attorney who has spent decades supporting ultra-right-wing causes from Holocaust denial to Confederate revisionism. “That kind of thinking to the brain is like cotton candy to the stomach as compared to roast beef.”

This Holocausty-denying Confederate son of a dick has a a point! So load up on all that meaty racism, America - lest ye starve on the sugary decadence of logic.

During a coffee break, a discussion about whether whites of different ancestry could ever live together in an ethno-state erupted from one of the tables.

I've encountered this coffee-fueled race baiting many times myself. In the Starbuck's line this morning, I jovially asked my fellow compatriots where exactly they got all that whiteness from, and - though my intentions were pure - the conversation quickly dissolved into pumpkin-spice latte-hurling and Ayn Rand-fueled screaming. WHY CANT WE ALL JUST GET ALONG (BUT REALLY ONLY WHITE PEOPLE I GUESS) !?

“I am not a fan of political correctness,” said Andrew Benson, 28, who had traveled from Canada to attend. Wearing a black suit vest, red collared shirt and black cargo pants, he looked more like he’d come to his conclusions as part of a teenage rebellion. “I have always had an odd attraction to things that are taboo.”

Oh Andrew, you subversive little vest-rocking racist - is nothing so deliciously trendy than regressing our meager social gains at least 200 years? #taboo4racismlololol! But don't worry ladies, if you were expecting some misogyny in the form of nonsense word-salad, you are in luck!

Donovan has argued that feminists are trying to create “gender-neutral utopias” that will make men into “doughy bonobos and chunky Chaz Bonos playing out their endless manic-depressive melodramas in a big bean-flicking circle of sterility, sickness and desperation.”

HEY. What the - who gave him our secret-femiagenda-handbook?! Was it you, Raven? RAVEN. RAVEN, NO. NO BEAN-FLICKING CIRCLE FOR YOU!

But let's end on a high note - surely, like all conferences, attendees were supplied with appetizing delicacies and the freshest of foodstuffs, courtesy of-

A Hispanic wait staff served every meal, and tended the bar.

Well then.


Share This Story

Get our newsletter