I am back at my beloved keyboard at home, rather than using my phone, so I can actually type without going crazy! Thank you to everyone who commiserated with me on my post yesterday, I was surreptitiously reading (when my friends weren’t around to see me whining about them) even though I wasn’t posting.
I’ve had a bit of time to calm down and have a think about why I was so upset yesterday and, surprise surprise, it wasn’t really about the holiday, or the money, or even that damn pay-toilet. I mean, I probably will have some buyer’s remorse over all the money I spent but I did have a good time and nothing about the (very short, very calm) holiday warranted my reaction. Especially since I only had one day to go before I went home! I even managed to ditch my drunk friend for that last day and had a good time.
The thing is, the two friends who I went on the trip with are some of my oldest friends but over the last two years I’ve had to watch them become best friends with each-other. I’ve known one since I was 11, the other since I was 12 (we’re all 28) but they only know each-other because for two years I’ve been inviting them both along to things. Now they get on better with each-other than they do with me and have lots of in-jokes and stories which they repeat again and again, mostly about the last holiday they went on together.
I was hoping that if I came with them this time I could be involved and I too would have funny stories and jokes about a trip. Instead I was the third wheel, and spent the whole trip listening to the same damn stories about their last trip. Even on the bus ride back from the airport this morning they were still doing it!
So I tagged along, listening to my funnier, more outgoing friends have a good time while I felt like a fucking loser just holding them back. Then something happened (which I’m going to be annoyingly vague about for reasons) which made me feel like I was 18 again, basing my whole sense of self-worth on the one aspect of my life which I am the most insecure about. All the old, unhealthy emotions came flooding back exactly the same. Even my old, very unhealthy coping mechanisms and intrusive thoughts came with them. Except now I was stuck in a little Airbnb flat with my friends, in a strange city, trying desperately not to burst into tears.
So I logged on to groupthink and vented about the holiday, because I literally didn’t know what else to do. It even helped a little! So thanks to everyone for reading and for your sympathy.
Oh, and thank you to our own Boobiechick, who we met up with (despite her moving house literally the next day) and had a great time and who my friends loved too. She is great. Apologies again for subjecting you to the sight of us three straight, white, British men “dancing” in a nightclub.