So I'd read a couple of blurbs indicating it was pretty meh, but hey, hope springs eternal! Set in an Arctic research base! Scary virus! Maybe it'll be like "John Carpenter's The Andromeda Thing : The Series"!

It is not.

I'm almost through with the pilot and felt an overwhelming need to share my findings because misery loves company.

SPOILERS, if that's even possible.


* No major scientific facility with 150+ workers is THIS FUCKING DIM ALL THE TIME.

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* You're trying really hard to make this snarky blonde lady science person come off like Pam from Archer, aren't you?

* The place hasn't been set on fire, the lights still work, why are you scouting around with flashlights? TURN ON THE LIGHTS, HOMESLICE.

* This exchange actually happens : "Why did you leave him alone with the bone saw?" "I just thought..."

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* "Access Denied," beeps the digital interface at a locked metal gate. Character One rummages in a handy nearby shelf, grabs a small spray can like WD40, and announces "Liquid nitrogen! Freezing rearranges the tensile strength." I'm crying. Because tensile strength comes from microscopic Strengthlionite rods, and you have to rearrange them with coldness in order to... no, fuck off.

* "What's that smell?" "That is monkey."

* Army guy working security in milspec fatigues, patches, the works...has no sidearm. So he picks up a length of pipe with which to smack a monkey, in case monkey-smacking becomes necessary.

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* It does. He smacks a monkey with a pipe.

THIS:

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Is anyone else watching this....show? Am I somehow intoxicated but don't realize it? Please send help.