Early this year I moved out of the house I've lived in for the last five years. It's the only place I have ever lived that was my home.
I loved that place. It was a two bedroom house, near parks and cafes and art. It had high ceilings and was airy and sunny. There was courtyard for the cats. I made a four poster bed. The place was filled with good memories.
I came home one day to find that my ex (ex as of that day) had moved out. It barely made a difference to the place. Turned out that practically everything in the house was mine.
I moved out too. It was partially an emotional decision. Just being there made me shut down. I wanted to take care of my affairs and get out of the country, just go go go and outrun my hurt. Secretly I wanted my affairs in order because I was suicidal.
It was a logical decision too. Winter was starting, and the house was unheatable and unliveable in the winter. It was a beautiful house with a fatal flaw. Plus I couldn't afford it on my own, and I couldn't imagine moving a stranger into my home.
I packed up a houses worth of stuff and built a shed in my parents' yard. It's all still in there. My cat couldn't stay with my folks, so I found a friend of a friend who could take him in.
I didn't end up leaving the country. I've been at my folks ever since (it's been over six months now).
I miss my cat every day. I miss my house every day too.
This has always been a temporary situation, despite having stretched out far longer than I wanted. I'm still not sure what to do.
My options at the moment are:
- stay here. The default. It's demoralising, and I have to hide it in lots of situations. It severely limits my social life, and my love life, if I ever get one. Plus I miss my cat.
- live in a sharehouse. It is an option, but just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm a hundred years old. I have lived in so many share houses with so many strangers over the years. I am so thoroughly over it.
- Living with friend/s. I'd love to. Nothing has come up in the last half a year. Plus my friendship circle rather shrunk after the breakup, so smaller potential pool.
- Buy a house. I wish! I so want to get a place, and paint it and get furniture and make a home. Can't afford the deposit, can't afford the mortgage repayments.
It doesn't help that a friend's parents just bought a house for her. She doesn't know anything about the process or the market, and while she's not exactly comparing our circumstances or taking credit, she sort of is. She's paying rent to repay the house, but it's not a quarter of what the actual mortgage would be.
There are other options, like change careers, and get a job in the new career, after which I could afford a better rental, or possibly a mortgage. That is obviously a longer term plan.
I don't know how to make these kinds of decisions. The ones where there are no good options, only a variety of compromises. Where decisions are interconnected; where I live depends on where I work, and either could change outside of my control a number of times.
What is a good way to make these decisions? Or is it not the decision making skills but the lack of good options?