Follow up - How do I?

I figured I should tell you all how it went down with the ex boss/boyfriend.

I choose to go to the party. I did get a hair cut, I actually cut off most of my hair which I love. I tend to just let my trusted hairdresser do whatever they want and it always turns out well.

The party was so fantastic. I kinda forget that I am good at what I do and that I know a fair amount of people. If I wasn't so damned insecure, I'd probably do a lot better. Basically, I couldn't walk more than 2 steps without running into someone I know who wanted to stop and talk to me. It was great to catch up.

I ran into my former co-worker who was delighted to see me and used it as an excuse to get away from work for a bit. (It was a working event, party mixed with selling stuff.) We talked for awhile, he bought me a drink, I met more people.

Honestly, it was going so well.

And this is part where normally things go bad and I fuck up, but it didn't happen.

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I stopped at the former work table to pick up some stuff from former clients and my ex was being himself, not working the table but playing on his phone. When you run a table, you don't play on your phone, you stand and you engage people. Once I got there I talked to my co-worker and my ex started to pull things out of his bag to show me. New gadgets, I took them looked at them briefly and put them back on the table. The longest exchange was "that's nice." "That's good you can modify it." My other thought was, I could build this better and less ugly.

He moved on to talking about all these great projects and I nodded not asking follow up questions. I started to talk to my co-worker again, because I was more interested in what they had to say.

I felt nothing. Not numb. Not happy. Not overly polite. I didn't act polite because I was suppose to be. I was polite and disinterested and I felt that way. Before the event, I was so worried that I'd start making out with him, and nope that didn't even cross my mind. Not even a little. The only thing was a brief moment of missing the kind of work we do. Actually, that was worse than being dumped. Being dumped sucks, but it's better in the long run. Having to leave that job broke my heart. I spent more time mourning that opportunity than any person I've dated. But I knew I had to go because it would ruin me.

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My former co-worker mentioned a new project I am working on, and my ex got really excited about it and surprised I was doing it. I spoke very simply about it, no details saying it was proprietary knowledge. He changed the subject super quickly, to talk about his big project, I nodded and went back to talking to my former colleague.

I left went to talk to other people and came back to say by to my colleague, hugged them and left.

I did it. I interacted with my ex boss/boyfriend and it was okay.

How do I...? ex related questions

Not really my area of expertise. One of my exs (the former co-worker that I then had to leave the organization because he was being a dick) is attending and presenting at an event that I love to go to every few months. He actually introduced me to the event, but my good friend also goes, so chances I would have found out eventually.

We aren't on terrible terms, but we aren't on good terms either. For work purposes, I've tried to stay as diplomatic as possible, but I honestly dislike him a lot. This is also because I really really really liked him when we were dating and it was really disappointing when he revealed his true self. Nothing is of course 100% his fault, we both have flaws. But there is a lot of stuff that is because he is 100% a dick.

I've been debating skipping the event because I don't want to see him. But I really want to see the things at the event (there isn't anything similar going on) and talk to a bunch of people I like.

Conversely, I do really want to see him (DAMN FEELINGS), and know it would be really really bad if I had prolonged exposure to him. He has magical charm ability! He is literally infectious.

When this situation came up before I told my friend who was going with me, that I would need her to make sure I didn't spent time with him. That I didn't say yes, and basically drag me away. Luckily he didn't show. It was a huge relief.

She will be working at the event, so I can't really ask this of her, because she has a lot on her plate.

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My current plans

A) Don't go. (Good because I save money)

B) Go, but come later, and spend time with everyone else. Do not go to the evening event and make separate plans, or leave the city early. (Oh I really don't have time to chat because of time sensitive reason) So there is no chance of any prolonged conversation or getting roped into doing something.

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B) is often is partnered with my delusion of him apologizing to me and explaining that he was 100% a dick to me and that he really fucked up. (No I don't want him back as a bf, I simply miss working on the projects we did together. Full disclosure, I miss the sex, but I do not want it from him, even though it is super tempting but I'll feel like shit afterward so no.)

And then I'm like "NO, Not Bad for Robot, he was terrible for you! Look at this graph of how much our happiness has increased since we left. It's at a seven year high. Don't do it. You are so much better! See look our confidence it's up. There's this weird feeling in your chest, you know self respect and self love? They feel strange because you haven't known either of those two in like 8 years. We need to keep those, and tell people who try to fuck with them, to piss off."

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Sensible me says "Don't risk it. Just stay at home. He will ruin you."

And adventurous me says "But you love that event, and so many cool people will be there and you said you'd go! We can't break our word! We can totally just avoid him and say hello to our former colleague. And if he asks you to do something just say 'No.' or 'I have other obligations now.' Don't let him keep ruining shit for you"

And this kinda keeps going and going. I've been thinking about it for almost a month.

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Just gaaah.