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How do I fucking deal with this?

First, I'd like to say that this needs to stay on GT. I don't think this is something that would be main-paged but I'd like to cover all my bases. This is for the hivemind and for the hivemind only.

Okay, here it goes.

Today, I found out that one of my friends killed herself. She drank until her liver failed.

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I met Kay* through my group of friends from the comic shop I've worked at. It was a New Year's Party. She had worked at the store years before I did, and despite being close to the store people I knew so well, she had kind of fallen off the grid for a while. This happens a lot with people who work at the shop, so none of my friends thought anything of it. For me, I was meeting Kay for the first time and we had an instant friendship. I sat on the floor with her for a good hour and just talked. I was drinking. She was not.

Over the next year I started to see more and more of Kay. She started dating a really great guy, she was reconnecting with her old group of friends (us) and making new ones (me). I was thrilled every time I saw her. I was seeing more and more of her, especially after I moved back to NYC full time. She and her boyfriend would stop by the store Sundays with a six-pack of craft beer and spend the night hanging out with us. She was funny, and goofy, and we loved her. She came to my birthday, making sure she took off the next day from work just so she could be there. She played beer pong with me. She pulled me away from an asshole who said we sucked at beer pong cause we were girls (but after I had gotten one good slap in). New Year's came again, and she was there. This time we both had drinks in hand. We had a blast.

The last time I saw her in person was when she invited me along for a girls night back in March. The group was mostly made up of her older friends (though there was another girl I knew along). We went to a bar and drank a few pitchers of cider, then went to see Oz: The Great and Powerful. Kay brought in a bottle of Jack Daniels for us to share in the theater when the misogyny got too stupid to handle. I took more than a few big gulps.

Then a month later we got a phone call. Kay had collapsed at work. Her liver was slowly failing. We were all shocked. Kay never seemed to drink any more than the rest of us, so it couldn't have been alcohol related, it just couldn't be. It had to be something else. But then we found out that Kay wasn't getting a liver transplant, and she wasn't getting it because she had a history of alcoholism. Apparently, in that time she had spent off the grid she had become an alcoholic and drug user. None of us knew. Even her boyfriend didn't have any clue. She eventually went to rehab, and it was shortly after that that we all met/reconnected with her. But as we knew, she had started drinking again. She was afraid to tell her friends, she thought that we would reject her, that we wouldn't invite her places, and so she fell off the wagon. But there was a chance for Kay, if she went back to rehab she would be eligible for a transplant. She would have been okay.

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But today we got a phone call at the shop. Kay had just given up and drank herself to death.

I can't even process how I'm supposed to feel. I'm sad and angry and disappointed. I don't understand how she just gave up like that. I want to scream and kick things. I want to cry. I want to find a way to her and shake her.

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I keep thinking of being her, of how much of our hangouts involved alcohol, and I feel guilty but I also feel angry, like she made me a part of her self-destruction. I know that's an awful, selfish thing to feel, but I can't help feeling it. I also feel so much love for her, so much regret. I wish that I had been closer to her. I wish I had seen her more. I wish I had told her more often that I loved her.

How do I deal with this? How do I fucking deal with this?

*name changed

(Also, there won't be a Comic Book Wednesday this week. I'm sorry, guys. I just don't have it in me.)

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