This hasn't come up yet-well, the creeps brought it up-on OKC, but it's something I am anxious about. It's sex.
I actually hate that word. "Intimacy" is a bit better.
So, I'm a bit of a prude. I make dirty jokes, but at the end of the day my legs are closed so tight that I should grow a fish tail and live in the ocean. It's just...it wasn't brought up, unless my mom deliberately me wanted me to feel uncomfortable. And that's how it started.
Plus, my first time (TMI time!) was so awful. First, I did it to get it over with. I had zero feelings for my then boyfriend. I knew, scientifically, that I would bleed and it would be painful. But it hurt and I lasted 3 minutes until I fully freaked out at the sight of the blood, cried, and left to chain smoke outside of my dorm until 3am (I was 19). Shaking and texting my best friend about the whole thing. And I've been celibate ever since.
I can't even watch "intimate" scenes in movies or on TV. That bad. But I do (TMI again) use a vibrator. So, at least I'm doing something. I think.
Also, I can't talk to guys. I'm doing ok on OKC, because I can write very well, and it hasn't come up yet with the chill guys. But I get anxious-Will he like me? What if this topic comes up? What are his intentions? I look at life like chess: always planning the next move. And since this is bound to come up, I need to know how to tackle it. My plan so far is to mumble it if it comes up.
Like, I'm planning on being intimate IF the guy is trustworthy, and IF I'm 100% comfortable with it. But I think that saying that would make them be all "well, she's not gonna put out, so I'm out". I know a real man wouldn't do that, but still. Freaks me the hell out.
Edit: All the advice is amazing, I'm copy/pasting to a word doc called "how to talk about sex ba-be". I'll let The Comedian tell you how I'll be responding to creeps: