My holiday season was pretty much exactly as shitty as I expected it. There were moments of blessed distraction by my friends. However, these did not overwhelm the dread and sadness at the one year anniversary of my separation from the ex, or the lovely Christmas card addressed to my ex and his rebound that arrived in my mailbox on Christmas Day. From his sister who knows exactly how awful I’ve been doing and how much I miss him.

The only thing that could top that, and the thing I have been dreading most, but certainly didn’t expect just yet given that it’s barely been a year and we haven’t even been divorced 6 months, was the email I received yesterday morning letting me know that he and his rebound are engaged.

Needless to say, I did not make it to work yesterday. My mom is on a plane out as I type.

In this email, he actually wrote “I wonder if you are happy” and “I hope that 2016 is a transformative year for you.” What exactly does he hope I transform into? And he wonders if I am happy? Is that rhetorical? I don’t know the condescending person who would send that email. It breaks my heart all over again that the person I love and knew is apparently gone. That might be worse than the fact that he didn’t want to reconcile when I told him I didn’t want the divorce.

Do I respond? How do I respond? The only things I really want to say are a) After 12 years together, and not even a full year of real time apart, I deserved a phone call for that news. b) If he ever really wondered if I was happy, I have always picked up the phone when he called - no matter how difficult this past year - and that I don’t think he really wanted to know because hearing that I am still heartbroken and struggling would ruin the fantasy that we are both living the happy lives we were meant to and that the divorce was really the best thing ever.

I am waiting to decide what to do. I am trying not to do things I regret. But I don’t know what the right move is here.