I’ve been musing for a while to ask all you smart people some advice about how to deal with things. What things? Health things. But then today a relationship thing came up and I thought. Why not just mush them al together and make 1 post! What do we know? Do we know things? Let’s find out!
Thing 1 : Food/Alcohol/Health/Resentment/Jealousy
For the past few months I’ve been dealing with some stomach and eating-related issues. Turns out, it probably won’t get better. Where once I could stuff my face with as much food and drinks as I wanted, my future now looks drastically different. Sitting down with my doctor who quite matter-of-factedly told me “You just can’t expect to be able to eat a normal persons portion anymore.” was quite a shock.
I loved food. I loved going for drinks. You wouldn’t believe how much of my phone is filled with food or drink related photo’s. And although I try to be positive about it “I can learn all these new recipes and improve my cooking skills”, when you get down it, it just sucks. It’s super hard, inconvenient and I’m already sick of the challenge. Boobieguy has been an enormous support, even joined me on some doctor visits and is like a ray of sunshine to everything. “We’ll get through it together.” and boy I wouldn’t know how I would’ve felt without him. I often feel like such a killjoy because I get tired quicker and I have all these restrictions now. But he tells me all the time that actually he enjoys every minute he spends with me just as much as before or more. But I hate it and I miss my old life. And what do I miss the most? I miss alcohol. I miss going for drinks with friends. Even if it’s just the one. There’s a certain enjoyment to a great glass of red wine, a good craft beer or a well-made cocktail that you just can’t replace. (or a good spicy sausage.. a burger, god I miss burgers) I miss getting a buzz on and I resent everyone I know for being able to have that. (to be clear, I don’t miss getting drunk, but I do miss that 1/2 drink buzz) I am jealous that they can enjoy these things and I find it hard to let go of it. Because of lack of energy I’ve barely seen my friends the last months and when they ask me if I’m going to join them for a beer, it should be the easiest thing in the world to say “yeah sure!” and just order something else. But I’m hesitant, ashamed, maybe even scared(?) to do that. How do I get over that resentment and jealousy? Over their ability to drink and to eat, to feast and to be merry. Also to not feel exhausted all the time? (thyroid you’d better start working your way back to healthy status or I swear to the gods)
My dad in all his wisdom told me that I need to let go of this sense that I am a healthy person and accept that I am not. But.. How does one do that?
Thing 2 : relationships/health/standing up for yourself but not being a dick
So the past week I’ve been extra sick due to a cold. I haven’t been out of the house for days. Boobieguy knows although he tells me it’s hard for him to know how bad I’m feeling since I bluff a lot (sure I’m fine!). He was busy all week, but today he was going to come over after work and do some groceries for me so I wouldn’t have to. Turned out he didn’t have time for that at all and I was the one who had to figure that out for him. I was pissed off. Pissed off that he gave me hope that he’d come over (he literally works 5 minutes away from me). Pissed that he put me in such a position that I had to put my needs on hold so that I could show him what a bad idea that was. And pissed that he wasn’t there for me. But then.. I didn’t ask him to be. But I can’t shake this feeling that I feel that he should have been there, showed up, (hell, every day), despite whatever plans there were, because I would have been for him. It reminds me of my previous relationship where I always made myself small for my ex until I barely felt I existed at all.
I try so hard to be supportive of him (and to his credit he tells me ALL the time how amazed he is at how supportive of him I am and that he hopes he can do the same for me and that he can be good enough for me) and want him to be happy, that I just don’t know how to assert myself in that way. I don’t feel like I should have to ask him to take care of me, unless I’m just about dying. That feels needy. And I can take care of myself just fine thankyouverymuch. The thing is.. I wish I didn’t have to.. Not quite so hard. (To his credit, if he’d been here he would have taken care of me. He was really supportive and there for me through the whole proces of the last months, helping remind me to eat and drink because I’d just about given up at times. But then now he can just kind of.. forgot..)
He has all this fun stuff going on and I’m sure he figured I was fine and if I wasn’t I’d have told him. So how can I stop feeling so hurt and angry and scared? We’re talking about looking for a place together at the end of the year but.. I don’t want to end up int he same place that I was in before. I don’t want to always be the carer and end up disappearing. How can I express that I need him without feeling like a burden? Because if I don’t I’m setting him up for failure and that just makes me pull back from him because it proves what I’m afraid of, that all relationships end up the same.
Have a thing? Share it!