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How Much Texting Is Too Much?

One of my best friends (Claire*) has been seeing a fella (Bill*) long distance for about 2 months. He lives in Utah. Here is the problem: his best friend is one of his exes (Jane*) and she texts him A LOT. Lots of gory relationship drama details below with a TL;DR at the bottom.

Claire was set up with Bill by a mutual friend. Bill drove down here from Utah to see her for a week. Claire went back to the other state with him for a week. In the two weeks, she noticed that he got texts constantly from Jane. Morning, noon, night, 3am. When they were having sex, when they were having breakfast, when they were out and about, Jane was texting him. All day.

Bill told her not to worry about it because they were best friends and they weren’t into each other anymore. Claire asked him who she was and it came out that Bill and Jane had dated for 3 years. Claire asked when they broke up, apparently it was 6 years ago. Bill said that he’d been sending pictures of Claire to Jane and Jane kept asking friendly questions about her. That’s what all the texting was about. So Claire lets it go.


This week, Claire flew out to see Bill for the week. Jane lives in the same city as Bill. Claire met Jane at a party. Jane was apparently rude to her. She pretended like she didn’t know who she was when Claire introduced herself and sat next to her on the couch but ignored her the entire party. Jane didn’t say bye to Claire but made a point to corner Bill before she left to say bye to him.

That night they get home and Claire confronts Bill again about the constant texting and the rudeness during the party. During their hour long argument, Jane sends Bill 6 texts which only makes the argument worse. Bill claims nothing is going on; he’s not into her anymore; they are best friends only. They go to bed mad.

Claire gets up the next morning, makes herself some coffee and checks his phone for the time (which he left in the kitchen so that they wouldn’t be bothered by Jane’s texting) and lo and behold, overnight Jane has sent 3 text messages, a Snapchat and 4 Facebook messages. Claire freaks out, calls me crying thinking he’s cheating on her with Jane. I tell her that he’s just oblivious. I doubt he still likes Jane, he probably does think it’s just innocent texting. She calms down, thanks me for the sanity and says she’s going to bring it up again when he gets up. She hangs up.

She confronts him about it again when he gets up. He again says they are just friends, don’t worry. Then he says, “Well do you just want me to stop talking to her?” Clarie says “No, that isn’t fair. But I think it’s disrespectful that she hasn’t backed off you. I pulled back on communication with my best guy friends when they got new girlfriends.”


He says they are just close because she was there for him when he broke up with his abusive ex girlfriend last summer. Claire says it makes her feel insecure and that she should back off. He says he can’t control Jane’s behavior so other than not talking to her at all, what’s he supposed to do about it?

TL;DR: One of my friends is seeing a guy long distance. His ex lives where he lives and she texts him excessively (every day, all day) since they got close again last summer when he broke up with his last girlfriend. Friend thinks the ex wants to get back together with Bill and that’s why she texts so much. Bill thinks it’s nothing, they are best friends, of course she texts a lot. Friend doesn’t know how to address it without attacking Bill or demanding he stop talking to her. Friend feels insecure about how much Jane texts and is worried that Jane is trying to get back together with Bill.


So, gal best friends of guys with girlfriends, do you back off when your guy friend starts seeing someone new? Is what Jane doing disrespectful? Should she have to back off or is it obnoxious for Claire (his girlfriend of 2 months) to even ask her to do so? What should my friend do to alleviate her insecurity about Jane?

*All names changed

Meanwhile, I’m like:

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