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How To Be Kind To All Animals

Step 1- Get in vehicle to drive to grandparents' house for delicious dinner gathering.

Step 2- Notice a terrified lizard riding along on the hood of your vehicle, clinging for his life.


Step 3- Slow down to about five miles per hour. Put flashers on so that even though you're "that asshole" you're fairly notifying other traffic of the fact.

Step 4- Hastily extinguish cigarette, roll up window. Kindness does not mean an invitation to the vehicle's interior, young mister.

Step 5- Alter route to back roads. Muse gratefully that approximately everybody else at that moment is at church or at home.

Step 6- Take some pics of your hitchhiker along the way.


Step 7- Arrive at destination, take another picture, and calmly talk to your stowaway. Tell him about the lovely garden and other friendly lizards he can hang out with.


Step 8- Go inside, apologize for being late,* offer picture as proof of valid excuse.

Step 9- Share with Groupthink.

This post is dedicated in loving memory to the gopher tortoise on yesterday's Gawker page. Rest in peace, little guy.


*Who am I kidding. It's a family gathering. "We'll eat by five" means "At six we'll start preparing the sides."

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