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How To Be Kind To All Animals

Step 1- Get in vehicle to drive to grandparents' house for delicious dinner gathering.

Step 2- Notice a terrified lizard riding along on the hood of your vehicle, clinging for his life.

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Illustration for article titled How To Be Kind To All Animals

Step 3- Slow down to about five miles per hour. Put flashers on so that even though you're "that asshole" you're fairly notifying other traffic of the fact.

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Step 4- Hastily extinguish cigarette, roll up window. Kindness does not mean an invitation to the vehicle's interior, young mister.

Step 5- Alter route to back roads. Muse gratefully that approximately everybody else at that moment is at church or at home.

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Step 6- Take some pics of your hitchhiker along the way.

Illustration for article titled How To Be Kind To All Animals
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Step 7- Arrive at destination, take another picture, and calmly talk to your stowaway. Tell him about the lovely garden and other friendly lizards he can hang out with.

Illustration for article titled How To Be Kind To All Animals
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Step 8- Go inside, apologize for being late,* offer picture as proof of valid excuse.

Step 9- Share with Groupthink.

This post is dedicated in loving memory to the gopher tortoise on yesterday's Gawker page. Rest in peace, little guy.

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*Who am I kidding. It's a family gathering. "We'll eat by five" means "At six we'll start preparing the sides."

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