Step 1- Get in vehicle to drive to grandparents' house for delicious dinner gathering.
Step 2- Notice a terrified lizard riding along on the hood of your vehicle, clinging for his life.
Step 3- Slow down to about five miles per hour. Put flashers on so that even though you're "that asshole" you're fairly notifying other traffic of the fact.
Step 4- Hastily extinguish cigarette, roll up window. Kindness does not mean an invitation to the vehicle's interior, young mister.
Step 5- Alter route to back roads. Muse gratefully that approximately everybody else at that moment is at church or at home.
Step 6- Take some pics of your hitchhiker along the way.
Step 7- Arrive at destination, take another picture, and calmly talk to your stowaway. Tell him about the lovely garden and other friendly lizards he can hang out with.
Step 8- Go inside, apologize for being late,* offer picture as proof of valid excuse.
Step 9- Share with Groupthink.
This post is dedicated in loving memory to the gopher tortoise on yesterday's Gawker page. Rest in peace, little guy.
*Who am I kidding. It's a family gathering. "We'll eat by five" means "At six we'll start preparing the sides."