Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

Do you wish you understood what the cool cats are laying down? Can't talk to Profs? Can you dig it? Do you often wonder "How can I say 'groovy' like Ash* from the The Evil Dead"? Are you Vikki Gunvalson? If any of these things apply to you, then follow these 10, detailed, easy steps!

  1. Confidence. Look in the mirror every day when you wake up and say: "Yo, I'm totes da bomb, not da drone!". Why "da bomb" and not "da drone"? Because "da bomb" is digity, and "da drone" just flies alone and is not the digity.
  2. Strut, don't walk. The Strut, from The Free Dictionary, is defined as "To walk with pompous bearing; swagger."-there are like three other definitions and an idiom, but this was the most dope.
  3. How to Strut: Stand up straight, and keep your shoulders back-but relax your body. Don't swing your hips like you're in a Hula-Hoop contest, but just enough to rock side to side mildly. Not like you're at the clurrrrb and getting your funky in town, that's not for like, public display. Walk direct and confidently-a good way to remember this is "Direct equals Correct". And keep your face stone cold. Ice glare behind big sunglasses. But smile at the passerby-they may not be hip but the smile can make them feel hip. (Note: DO NOT SMILE AT ANYONE GIVING YOU THE CREEP VIBE. IT IS NOT A GOOD VIBE).
  4. Talking the talk: The good thing about being the most legit is that you keep it interesting. You may notice that the words I'm using are a mix of slang from like, the seventies, slang from NorCal (I guess. Regardless: NORCAL RULZ BUT MOSTLY SOCAL WUTTTTT!), Valley Girl (Invited by Moon Unit Zappa, according to Cracked), Surfer, Reddit/"Da Internets", and whatever I picked up somewhere that makes my family wonder who I hang out with. The words "Legit", "Groovester", "Fer Realz", "Hella", etc.-all your friends. An example sentence: "Dude, did you see The Real Housewives of Bev Hillz last night? That Carlton always comes correct, but Kyle is not being chill. Real talk though, her hair is perfs to the max". I don't want to start a Real Housewives turf war, this is purely my opinion that Carlton is Keeping It Real.
  5. Swear like a sailor: Ok, so far I have stayed away from cuss words, but when used correctly, y'all will impress. Words that can be substituted: "Fuck" equals "Frick" or "Frickin"; "Shit" equals "Shizzz"; "Crap" equals "Crap" because it is not a swear, and the notorious "C" word is up to you-I say it frequently to inanimate objects. "Bitch" is "Beeeeezeeee". Not whatever Chris Brown is called. He is not legit.
  6. Rhyme.
  7. When talking to people of authority, rein (Reign? Don't Rain on my parade) in the hip-osity. If they're profs or someone who tolerates hip-osity, then they may be chill. I don't think Bosses and conservative relatives get it.
  8. Dress in your own way. I mean, don't let the runway ruin your day. Don't let body image cause you total damage. The whole point of being hip is NOT to be a hipster (HIPSTERS ARE NEVER HIP HOW IRONIC), but being yourself. I rock a leather jacket with everything, and huge sunglasses. And like, other clothes because cops have no sense of humor when it comes to public nudity.
  9. If someone intimidates you, step up the heat. Either tell yourself it's always all good because you're the cool cucumber, and this too shall pass. Or they're just trippin', straight up not cool beans. Suffer no fools, pity them.
  10. And my last step: Keep it real. Realer than Reality. Speak yo badass mind, don't think you're stupid, and embrace anything that scares you. Laugh. The whole zen of the hip is that y'all are chill. May the force of grooviness, hella legit-osity, Star Wars, Indiana Jones (Ok, Harrison Ford in general), Pop-and-Lockin' it, The Venture Bros. (Most correct), and sixties dance moves be with you. Respekt.

A legit chick be Patsy, yo.


*Ash (Bruce Campbell 4 Lyfe, dig it like a grave because ZOMBIES!) Saying "Groovy":

(If this video doesn't show...ugh!)

Note: May or may not be satire, but truth time, this is for real how I am all day every day. Follow advice at your own discretion.


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