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How to Break Into Your Own Apartment

Based on events that may or may not have taken place last night.

  1. While at your roommate’s birthday dinner, discover that you don’t have your wallet/keys. Don’t worry about it, because your roommate has her keys and someone can spot you $10.
  2. Go home. Stand outside and watch as your roommate frantically dumps everything out of her purse (how does she fit so many things in there?!) and finds only one of the three keys you need to get into your apartment. (There are two for the building door and one for the apartment itself; the one your roommate has goes to the building door, meaning that you can’t unlock either of the two doors.)
  3. While your roommate watches YouTube videos about lockpicking and tries to open the back door with a metro card, call a few locksmiths. Learn that emergency locksmiths are really fucking expensive.
  4. After some googling, use the pair of tiny scissors you’ve been carrying in your purse for the last year and a half to mangle a metro card like so:
Illustration for article titled How to Break Into Your Own Apartment
  1. Slide the card into the back door (which doesn’t have a deadbolt, thankfully), and hook it around the lock. Pull the door toward you and upward, since it hangs weird, and tug on the card for five minutes or so.
  2. Be really really shocked when this works and the door opens. Gleefully run down the hallway to the front door, where your roommate is still trying to pick the deadbolt with bobby pins.
  3. Realize that there’s a piece of trim on your apartment door that will prevent you from using the same trick on it. Attempt to pry the trim off with a pocketknife before realizing just how much of a pain in the ass that is. Pause to reconsider your options.
  4. Knock on the door of the neighboring apartment. Properly introduce yourself to your neighbor for the first time since you moved in last summer, then explain the situation and ask if he has any windows that open onto the roof.
  5. Climb out his bedroom window. Stand on one of his kitchen chairs and climb onto the roof. This will be difficult, given that you’re 5’3” and that part of the roof has a piece of metal trim on it that will probably leave a bruise on your stomach.
  6. Casually walk along the roof of the building next to you, which is conveniently flat and comes right to the bottom of your window living room window. Find the window that doesn’t have a screen because it inexplicably fell out last August and you haven’t cared enough to replace it.
  7. Open the window and climb through while trying to hold the window open because it doesn’t stay open on its own. This will be possibly even less graceful than climbing onto the roof, but fortunately the couch is right below the window.
  8. Open the apartment door and let your roommate in. Vow never to forget your keys again.

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