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How to do friendships

I have many questions about friendships. I think my lack of understanding how to do them comes partly from being an only child (so was more adult-oriented than peer-oriented), partly from being the only child of a mom who didn’t have friends - my dad was her only real friend, and partly because I’m fairly shy/introverted. So, I didn’t get to see friendships be modeled, and our family was very insular. Complicating things, my mom got jealous of my friends - both adult and peer friends - and would criticize them constantly.

I have friends - but not many good/close friends. I also don’t really have local friends to do things with, with a couple exceptions that I will talk about in a moment. Many of my school friends are partnered and have lived here a while - so they are already set for friends and social activities.

I know all the advice on how to meet people - meetup, volunteer, etc. I met someone at a play that I really really liked and gave her my #, but she never called me. It seemed like it would be the perfect friendship bc we both go see a lot of theatre - and do so alone, and we really seemed to have hit it off. That was in October, and I’m still sad about it.


I met someone who has health/science interests online who ghosted me. We had planned a meetup, but then she just stopped responding. I’m bummed about that too.

I have two friends who moved here recently. Friend 1 and I hung out every weekend for like 4 months when she first moved here - and we have different ways of doing things (I like to wander and explore, she likes to go do something and go home), but it was still really nice just to hang out. But that stopped this summer. I have invited her to do a few things with me this winter, and she has bailed each time.

My bff moved here last week. I invited her to do something with me last weekend, and she bailed. When we both lived in the same city, I was always the one who had to initiate - she only once ever invited me to do something. That dynamic makes me worry I’m more invested than she is. I have a lot of things I have been saving up to do with her once she moved here. I could do them by myself, but I don’t really want to do things alone all the time.

So we are coming up on the weekend, and I’d like to make plans. I’m not sure if I should ask BFF to do something - maybe the thing we had planned to do last weekend? I just don’t know how to navigate these things. I’m also really feeling stung by all of these together and feeling like there is something really wrong with me that no one wants to hang out with me.


I had a meeting yesterday with my mentor - I’ve had a rough two weeks for various reasons, and I just burst into tears. I actually cried yesterday when I got to work and the elevator doors closed behind me. Part of this is feeling lonely? Isolated? Stressed? Insecure? Exhausted? All of it.  

I’m not looking for advice, rather I’d love to hear how you navigate friendships and disappointments in friendships and planning things and who does the initiating ... and basically how you do friendships.

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