Let me start by saying I’m not really looking for advice here. If you want to share your story, please do.
I’ve had a rough decade. I lost a job I loved. All my friends got married, most had kids and disappeared. My family are not kind people. I found another job, which I do not love, but it’s a job. Then I got ill, and I’ve lost the other things I’ve loved - dancing, kayaking, etc.
I isolate more and more. My friends lives are going so well, they have partners who love them and family who care for them. I’m happy for them. But my life is a disaster. Really, so many things go wrong, whether it’s the cable people who have spent a month coming back to the house bc the wireless keeps going dead, or the endless doctors appointments where they can’t figure out what’s wrong, or my struggle with money. I even tried to go to a yoga class today and half the roads were closed, I got there 10 minutes late and the doors were locked. I feel like I’m walking bad luck.
There’s no affection at all in my life, unless it’s from my cats, who mostly ignore me. It’s painful to talk to my friends and hear about the parties they’re going to or their big family gatherings or even how they walked to the store, which I can no longer do. What did I do today? I watched tv. I took a shower for the first time since Tuesday. I made myself walk six blocks, even though I was in a lot of pain, just to get out of the house.
I’m supposed to go out for a day trip with a friend of mine and I’m dreading it. I’ve gained a ton of weight. I’m 300 pounds. She’s lost over 100 pounds. She’s having all sorts of adventures and makes friends incredibly easily and is Ms. Susie Sunshine. I don’t want to hear about how much she loves spin class or the great health meals she’s discovered or how her husband did something fantastic. It makes me feel like more of a failure.
I don’t want to bring her down - I don’t want to bring anyone down. I don’t want to talk about my disease or how I have to find $20k to fix my teeth. I want my life to be what it was a decade ago.
I have a therapist. It’s not very helpful. I canceled last week because I felt ill after a flu shot and she emailed back and said something like “never a dull moment with you, huh.” It made me cringe. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
What brought this all up was the story about the guy dying alone in the NYT. That is so going to be me. I can understand exactly how that happens. I just don’t know how to make it better.
Thank you for letting me just ramble.