So I need some advice on how to talk to someone with depression.
I think I potentially made a huge, tiny mistake yesterday.
As some of you read I lost my uncle last week. I took a few days of bereavement , and on day one ManWombat was really great. He bought us sushi, and went and grabbed it so I didn't have to leave the apartment with my sweats and my cry face.
Day two was like nothing had happened. He ranted about work, and seemed confused when I wasn't commiserating with him, and missed my subtle hints that no, I don't want sexy time when I feel like an emotional zombie- thanks.
Then Saturday night he seemed to be reacting to my distance and he said some pretty crap-tacular things in front of his friends under the guise of "teasing." Now, I love him to tiny little foot in mouth bits, but boy has a major issue with saying shit that he did not think through first. One thing in particular he said in the first weeks of us dating that surprisingly did not result in me saying "fuck this guy" still sometimes gives me the feeling like something is gnawing at my insides. But I digress. They seemed like small little jabs, but are part of a pattern we have discussed.
So Sunday morning we talked about it. I told him I didn't like what he said, he said "sorry", then he lapsed into silence. After ten minutes of silence I got out of bed. I made myself breakfast, made us both coffee, went out and got laundry detergent, did a load of laundry-which is his chore- all with a pulled muscle in my side. He spent the whole day laying in bed reading.
I snapped. I debated tossing things, slamming doors, all the tactics I used to be heard by abusive ex, but I didn't. We talked. I made sure to frame everything as "this behaviour is hurtful" rather than "you screwed up." He still cried the whole time. It derailed into talking about his problems with communicating as it does every. time. But after about an hour it felt like we really got it out and we ended the fight with cuddles and me making him a big supper.
We were in bed cuddling when he said, "Oh, are you grouping? I can hardly see the screen. I need to get my eyes checked."
I flippantly (stupidly) said, "I can get you on my extended health at work, if you're down. We need to do it soon though."
I KNEW THIS WAS A MISTAKE. He has taken his sweet-ass time signing up for Medical Service Plan which you are supposed to do, like right away when you're no longer a student. And there have been issues with his meds, availability and price and I know it's a sore spot for him.
He had a full on panic attack.
From zero to sixty in one breath.
He's had them before, but never in front of anyone. So I tried to help him with breathing exercises, and I put my hand on his back under his shirt for skin on skin contact. But it was scary. I pretended to be calm, and did my own meditation exercises so he would feel like one of us was cool-headed. He came down, and I distracted him with cat videos, and he said he was feeling okay.
But he is not feeling okay. And I don't know how to talk to him about it. He knows I want him to get help with his depression and his anxiety, but he is anti-meds. It's not always such a big deal but the more I chart his behaviours the more I realize how his every-day difficulties are connected to his conditions. I don't want him to feel like my love for him is contingent on him getting medicated. It's not. I know that its going to be with him forever, and it's a part of him. I just want to be able to talk about it without it being antagonistic.
So advice? Should I wait until the dust settles from this one to talk about it again? I'm trying to take him at his word that he is fine, but is there something else I should be doing? Any words from experienced parties would be really, really appreciated.