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How to Make a Not-Fun Wedding

So, I've mentioned a couple times that in two months' time, my best friend's younger sister is getting married. While we're not SUPER close, I'm close enough to the family that I was only mildly surprised to get an invite — she and I have always gotten along great. And I'm certainly happy to see that she's happy...but (you knew it was coming) there are a lot of other things that are conspiring to make the event itself a no-fly zone for fun.

First...I can't stand her fiancee. My best friend dislikes him even more strongly than I do, but he's just...annoying. I can't think to describe it other than that — everything about him gets on my nerves. Also he has creepy serial killer eyes and doesn't blink very often.


Second, it's outdoors (aka the Place Where Ubertrout Does Not Tread) in August. Ugh, fine, crazy hippy person, put your wedding outside in AUGUST. That'll be fun for anyone with sweat glands.

Third, it's a vegetarian potluck. We're really starting to weigh on the "things guaranteed to make me unhappy" list at this point, but I can probably get around it by making LadyTrout stop somewhere so I can eat before (or after) the wedding (and possibly causing a fight because she always tells me I need to eat healthier, but whatever). I'll live. At least it's not vegan.

See, those first three things? I can deal with those. I can cope with all the other things that I will not like as long as I'm drunk. As long as alcohol is in the picture, I'm sure it'll be fine.

Feel that ominous foreshadowing? Yeah, that's there for a reason — apparently THERE WILL NOT BE ALCOHOL AT THIS WEDDING. Supposedly the groom's father is a drunk and they're doing it to spite him, but ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH. I can deal with all the other crap, but telling me I have to suffer through it sober?! That's like me inviting people to a wedding where everyone gets a tiny imp whose job it is to poke them in the eyeball for 4-5 hours. That is actually the only equivalent I can think of here.


Look, it's her wedding. She can do whatever the hell she wants. But why even invite me?! She knows me — she knows that every single one of these things is something I will hate (including her fiancee). She also should know me well enough to know I wouldn't be offended to NOT be invited to this. Granted, because it's a potluck, additional guest costs are decreased, but why even bother? But I RSVP'd before finding out the "no alcohol" part of it, so it looks like I'm stuck.

The plus side? I do not even feel the tiniest little bit bad about the fact that my best friend and I are getting the DJ to play the Rains of Castamere during the reception.

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