So I made a choice not to talk about my marriage online much anymore about 9 months ago. I wanted to do some deep reflection and really work on deciding what I wanted vs just complaining and getting brief satisfaction or validation from the empathy and support. I appreciated it. It saved me many times, but I reached a point for private decision making that had to be all me and I had to do it alone.

I made the difficult decision to end my marriage. This was the end of an 18 year partnership. While I was never a perfect partner, I always tried. My wife, on the other hand, was just never very nice to me. I was a giver and she was a taker. It was a bad match that continued way past it’s expiration date because I am an enabler and she began to have serious health issues and became financially dependent on me. The more time goes on, the closer I get to framing our relationship as actually abusive which is humiliating.

We have continued to cohabitat which is a fucking nightmare. I wanted to hold off to see if she would get disability. She had a hearing (final answer still pending). In the meantime, she’s made no effort to consider any possibility of returning to work in a less physically demanding profession. She has no plan b. No support system. No friends. She has further isolated herself from her family. She spends her days watching t.v., napping, online shopping. She has started some minimal housework and cooking (for the first really since we’ve lived together.)

I am disgusted. I am so angry. I see that I cannot force her to attempt to have a functional life. Early next year, when our lease is up, I will move to my own my own place. We’ll get a formal separation agreement. I am sure that I am responsible for some level of alimony and she will (fingers crossed) have disability, but we live in an expensive area. Her life will change drastically and she will likely have to relocate and won’t do well in the future.

I see all this coming and it makes me sick to think about my actions and desire to end the marriage putting her into a situation that is partially her own fault, but will really be bad for her. How do I let this go and start to make peace with it? I want to be resonsible for and care for myself. I recently reconnected with friends and started acknowledging my sexual needs and need for companionship. I see that caring for myself is mutually exclusive with caring for her. I need a reality check that I am not a monster. Sorry for being such a downer.