FUCK I hate dating*. I hate every single fucking thing about it. I hate telling the same fucking stories about myself all the time. I hate that awkward moment where you try to figure out who's going to pay the bill. Most of all I hate that in 7 years I have yet to meet a man that comes anywhere close to meeting my standards because it simultaneously makes me hate them (for sucking) and myself (for apparently being so much pickier than all the people who were willing and able to fall in love with someone who kind of sucks...because really, are you telling me that 75% of the people I know just happened to find the perfect partner somewhere between the ages of 26 and 33? I don't think so).
I'll admit it, I'm bitter. Probably I should be grateful for all my privileges, all the things I take for granted in my life that a lot of those coupled-up friends of mine don't have (not least among them the whole bed to myself) but instead I'm mostly just annoyed by all the work I have left to do...all the mental energy I'm required to put into finding a mate when other people are done with that particular hassle.
I'm also more than a little bit scared. This is way different than picking a career or a city to live in. This is supposedly for life and will alter the course of mine one way or the other...but it's something over which one has infinitely less control than choosing between the mountains and the coast. And one where it's unclear exactly how many appropriate and/or equivalent choices there are.
Finally, I am mad at straight men. I am mad as fuck at them and all the women who raised them. Don't get me wrong, I am not typically what one might call a man-hater. On an abstract level I absolutely love men except to the extent that I hate people generally (we're kind of terrible). But for all my issues with current definitions of "Feminism", it's dating that reminds me just how shallow, entitled, ignorant and belligerent we allow men to be in this society.
Men are SO DAMN WEAK. On so many levels. And rather than admit it, rather than address it, we allow them to compensate by flexing their muscle - both literally and figuratively - around women to boost their own self-perception. We tell men too often that what they say is important when half the time what they have to talk about is COMPLETELY IDIOTIC. We spend too much time encouraging men to see themselves as leaders rather than teaching them to be leaders, so that when they encounter a woman with stronger leadership qualities than themselves they get anxious, resentful and petulant. The fact that we value their physical strength over their strength of character leaves us with a regrettable abundance of brutes and bullies, and frankly since the days of the draft and heavy manufacturing ended, a lot of them don't even have brute strength or manual skill worth admiring. I don't see you building me shelter, I don't see you doing any heavy lifting...playing Call of Duty and talking tough doesn't count.
Not to mention that their fascination with their dicks - UGH FOR FUCK'S SAKE - pretty much puts them on the same intellectual level as hamsters.
I mean, maybe it's possible that I just haven't met any "good men" since 2007, but if that's the case then they're far too fucking rare because it's not like I haven't been looking. It shouldn't be this fucking hard. I'd love to be in a caring, committed relationship, make babies, the whole nine...but dammit I have other shit to do!
I'm bringing intelligence, style, a promising career, impressive culinary skills, even more impressive bedroom skills and a Brooklyn brownstone complete with back yard and grill to the table. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER ME?!!
*I went on two dates last week that were the best dates I've been on in 5 years. They were both massively underwhelming.