Last week I started feeling self conscious about my weight gain (it's not much, but enough that I can no longer wear the majority of my clothes comfortably which came as a surprise to me) and the fact that my shape has changed since I stopped doing loads of sport. So already I was feeling pretty low. Also, I don't have much money at the moment (see: no money to spare on things unless I genuinely need them) so have been having to wear things to death rather than just buying new stuff. I used to spend way too much money on clothes and things, so I'm conscious of the fact I'm now at the opposite extreme.
This weekend I had an entire evening of people telling me that I looked like shit. They used different words, but the message was "you've let yourself go". I believe those words were actually used at one point - albeit as a supposed joke.
Everyone hated my hair cut and kept going on about it. THANKS. I GET THE FUCKING IDEA. What do you expect me to do? Just grow seven inches of hair in seven seconds because you don't like it? Mr Kay Kay later admitted he isn't a fan of it either. Okay, fine. I'm not a big fan either, but the REPEATED comments about it by others was not necessary.
My shoes were described as "hideous" and that they made me look like an old woman. Thanks. I know they aren't beautiful, but they are comfortable. I can't afford to buy "beautiful" shoes right now. All my other shoes that aren't trainers (or insanely, INSANELY uncomfortable) have fallen apart. Also, I just spent five hours travelling. You want me to wear six inch fucking heels to travel? Or have bleeding feet in shoes that don't fit me well?
My dress was grimaced at and described as ugly. THAT DRESS WAS FUCKING EXPENSIVE. I was trying to wear a nice dress - one of the few that fits right now - that wouldn't look ridiculous (it's a winter dress). I'm sorry it wasn't the "right" kind of dress to wear.
Even though I was wearing concealer and lip balm (so admittedly very basic) I was told that my face looked "bald" (or something weird and similar) and that I should wear more make up. It was lamented that I used to make such an effort with my appearance and now don't (note: I never remember making that much effort). To note, I have run out of pencil eye liner and can't afford to replace my old ones (I can't use cheap brands on my eyes as it makes them unbearably itchy). The brush for the gel eyeliner broke and again, I can't afford to buy a new one at the moment. I have to save my lipstick for special occasions as it's running low.
After I got changed and put some make up on (I got given a dress randomly on my way there. I had packed a pair of shoes that I don't normally wear because the heels are worn so it's a plain steel spike which gets stuck in everything. I borrowed make up from someone else), it was all compliments, but it didn't detract from how shit I felt.
I spent most of yesterday crying. Before I just felt shit about my weight. Now I feel shit about everything.
EDIT: I drafted an e-mail to the person/people in question to let them know the effect their comments had. But I can't bring myself to send it, because I know how much it will hurt them to realise they upset me. Maybe I will just delete it.