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I Am A Chink

I am a chink. I have small eyes and a flat forehead and a natural talent for Maths. I love rice and I eat it every day. My culture boasts a wonderful array of food. Do you love Chinese food? Let me introduce you to my local cuisine! This chicken rice is soft and tender like it should be. Here, try this ginger paste. Is it not exotic? Swallow it up, feel the kick. It's made by real Asians; it is indeed yellow enough. This has the official stamp of authenticity from me, I would know. These are rice noodles. We call it bee hoon, or mi fen. It really is "Asiany". Here, have it with chopsticks! Yes, I know you feel like you're in China/ Malaysia/ Singapore/ Indonesia right now. I am very happy for your culinary journey into my lands. Congratulations!

I am very small, and I'll be your innocent, submissive, hypersexualized china doll any day. I am a geisha in a cheongsam and I come from a culture of oppressed women. Liberate me, just like your ancestors did in the wars before! From the clutches of the yellow kung fu masters and their Asian rice dicks! My sideways vagina welcomes your big white penis. Asian sex is of a whole other dimension, we know this because "Asian" is always a different category of porn.


I speak in a funny accent. Sometimes I stammer, sometimes I stop to think before I speak. I thank you very much for your patience, for trying to understand my foreign babbling. Of course this means that I learn English as a second language. I am a person with no first language. I am only fluent enough in my native tongue to prove that I have retained my Asian roots, so that you can see: I am no twinkie, nor am I a banana. I am a real Asian. I can read well enough to decipher your new tattoo (and regret to inform you that your butt cheek now says "hot soup".)

I see you already have a Mexican friend, a black buddy, and a Latino for company. Collect me too! Let me be a part of your racially diverse social circle. When people call you a racist, tell them to talk to me! I am a chink.

(And all this time when I speak in my head I hear a blond American, and the only stories I could write were about white people.)

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