Just thoughts, not looking for advice. Also please do not mainpage.
With the bipolar diagnosis, I'm afraid I will end up like my father who is BP1. I'm afraid that I am also BP1 and not 2. But I'm mostly afraid I will end up like him.
Alone, broken, defeated. A shell of someone I used to be. Someone who hurts everyone around them, and no one wants to be near me because they hate me or are afraid of me. I'm afraid that when I look at him, I'm looking into my future.
I know a few commenters wanted to speculate that I do not have bipolar disorder, but...I do. This isn't a surprise. This wasn't a diagnosis out of nowhere. This has been a long time coming. A decade's worth of therapy and psychiatric help coming. I knew it, my mom knew it, my best friend who majored in psychology knew it. It's just that no one ever said it out loud because that would have made it real. When I heard the diagnosis it felt like I got punched in the stomach. Now everywhere I turn, I feel like everyone is looking at me like they know something is "wrong" with me. As if there's a stamp on my forehead labeling me.
I'm scared to go through this and the hyperthyroidism and PCOS. It's probably going to be months of various doctors and medications until I find a combination that works and doesn't make me sick. I'm afraid that I just don't have it in me to deal with that and I'm going to just give up, like my dad did.
And we're back to square one, where I end up just like him. I do not want to become the thing I hate most and I fear that I already have.