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I am applying THE SCIENCE to my social things!!!

Illustration for article titled I am applying THE SCIENCE to my social things!!!

Or: Having fun at other people's expense!

Hey there, everybody. I've been doin' some thankin'. ("Thinking.") And I came to the conclusion that I am pretty much resigned to lots of people acting like complete jackasses, especially when I am just meeting them.


Up until like, yesterday, this bothered me so much. A friend-of-a-friend (or a stranger) I just met would say something to me, or ask me a completely inappropriate question, or a series of inappropriate questions (usually about my weight or my racial background), and I would mumble or be evasive or give a terse reply, and the old familiar indignation and anger would begin to fester. I'd seethe inwardly and think, Why does he think it's okay to say that to me? Or, Does she honestly think she's the first person to point that out?

Anyway, I realized that since I get the same questions over and over, (to the point that I swear I'm meeting the same person repeatedly on some social nightmare time loop) I shouldn't get angry.... I should start fucking with people. (In the name of SCIENCE!) And so my social experiment was launched. It's still in its infant, incipient stages so I haven't had many opportunities for implementation, but I am totally stoked.


Breakdown: I've developed two methods of responding to remarks/questions I get from people, remarks/questions that I feel are inappropriate or straight up rude. I'm going to document the results I get for each response and make myself laugh, because fuck feeling shitty.

Method 1: The Tautological-esque Method

The ideal outcome of this method is to give the offender a sense of closure without my actually providing them with any new information, sometimes by completing their question or statement with a response that does nothing but rearrange or elaborate upon the words they used to make them sound affirming. The runner-up outcome is that the offender is left slightly confused and feeling as if they misunderstood my answer. (I estimate that this method is more effective in response to questions as opposed to statements.) This method is is going to be a little difficult for me because I am not good at being clever in the moment. Example:

Person: "Why are you so skinny? Do you eat?"
Me: "If I were any smaller or bigger than I am, then I wouldn't be as skinny as I am. Yeah, I totally eat! Allowing for the times that I do not."


Method 2: Spontaneous Zombie Method

This method is really, really fun. (For me.) Much easier than the Tautological-esque Method, so I will probably be using it more often. It's super simple: Offending questions or statements are met with nothing but a series of non-words, including groans, sighs, or snorts. Example:

Person: "You look a little white but what are you really?"
Me: "GUUUUUuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."


I had the opportunity to use this method last week, and the look I got back was absolutely PRICELESS. 100% conversation stopper and I laughed my ass off (discreetly, I hope).

One method that gets an honorable mention is a method that one of my good friends encouraged me to use: Just make shit up. I would love to use this method as well, but I don't think I'd be able to come up with anything on the level of hilarity that he came up with. Here's what he said:

[Friend] - [roma], you gotta have some fun with these guys! He says, "Hey, what's your racial background?" YOU SAY, "My father was half Baleekastani, and half Ecuadorian, but from the mountain area of Sweco, but he was raised in East London before he moved to Virginia in 1980 to work in the tobacco fields. Do you smoke? Then my mother, oh Lord, she was half Indian and half Belgian, or at least that's what they told her until she found out she was adopted in Morocco. Her real mother sold her to tourists for $30 cash and a COACH purse. You?


So do you guys have any methods of response that you've developed for when people ask you rude questions or say stupid things to you? Have you come up with any responses that were solely for your own amusement? (Or am I just a weirdo?) :D

I'd love to hear them and add them to my repertoire.

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