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I am of two completely different minds.

I am having the weirdest brain problem. There are few areas in my life where I want two completely contradictory things, and it's driving me bonkers.

1a. I absolutely do not want to buy a house. I can't afford to buy anywhere I want to live and still maintain my carefree, never-have-to-cook-and-go-to-the-movies-whenever-I-want existence. I can rent a much better place than I could ever afford to buy, and as a single lady, I do not want the maintenance responsibility of owning property. I like knowing I have the freedom to pick up and move anywhere in the country (and possibly other countries) whenever I want to. Having no mortgage means I have no debt.

1b. I absolutely want to buy a house. The sooner, the better. I don't even care if I have to eat ramen for the next five years, if it's in an area I love. I want a place where no one can restrict what modifications I make to the property, and I never have to suffer with an ugly, leaky faucet again. I want the security of knowing that paying down a mortgage means my housing costs when I retire will be low, and that I will have one thing that's actually worth something. I want to nest in a place that's all mine.


2a. I never want to remarry. What's the point, really? What does it get me that I don't already have? I'd have to change my name again (as my current last name is my late husband's, and that would just be weird), and it's not like it saves me money on taxes. I don't want children, and I hate thinking that my financial health could be tied to someone else's decisions or carelessness.

2b. I want to get married! I don't want a wedding or anything, but I'd love to have that declaration of commitment and a big ol' cake. It's romantic and sweet! I like the word "husband," and I miss wearing a wedding ring.

AAARG. Make it stop! Why can't I just feel one way? Or even mostly one way? But no, I have to feel strongly in favor of both contrary points of view! Halp.

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