Because I would like to post my first random OKCupid message from a horrible human being! I usually ignore the stupid messages, and this is only the second time I'm going to respond to someone, but I cannot resist. (The first was a dude who was super rude, and when I called him out and asked if he was trying to neg me he replied "Aw that's so cute you know what negging is". I miss him).

So here we have this nice guy (his words, not mine). This is his first message to me. Please enjoy! What else am I missing that this guy is horrible about? There are so many levels!

I'll take all submissions for excellent replies:

What's the nicest thing you've ever done for somebody?

This may not be the nicest thing I've ever done, but it's certainly, for many reasons, one of the more memorable: I was probably in my pre/early teens and I was standing at a subway stop in NYC. The train pulls up and people begin to quickly shuffle in and out, on and off. I must have just been in a nice mood that day because I patiently awaited my proper turn to board unlike your native New Yorker who prefers to survive the upstream struggle of suburban public transportation. My disposition being such, I was poised to enter last - as nice guys are wont to do - which also meant I was at risk of not entering at all.

Notice he calls himself "nice" multiple times and establishes himself as soooo different than everyone else out there!

As I finally and hurriedly made my way to the train, I noticed that further down the platform, an elderly, sickly-slim black woman in a wheelchair was stuck between the platform and the train. A ringing electronic bell signaled the inevitable. As the doors closed in upon the marooned like a booby-trap in an Indiana Jones movie, it became abundantly clear that no one was going to help her. Not even those closest to her, the ones who felt strongest the gaze of her helplessness, helped. No one gave a shit. I ran over as fast as I could and went to lift her.

If the subway is so crowded, how fast do you think he could actually run? AND WHY DID HE POINT OUT SHE WAS BLACK? (He is white, fyi) More along the theme of his superiority to the rest of his fellow creatures.

She was unbelievably heavier than I expected. I mean, I clearly remember this fact - it was almost shocking at the time. Apparently, heroic adrenaline had little effect. However, the extra dose of rage I felt, as I struggled with saving this woman and looking, with bulging eyes, at everyone as they watched both of us flounder, was enough for me to push her aboard. Talk about a hallelujah moment. I damn near kissed that dirty subway floor, but the shouts of the woman I had just saved stopped me in my descent.

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Did he just call himself "heroic"? Did he use "hallelujah" to involve more religious savior complex? I think SOMEONE has read Joseph Campbell!

She was shouting profanities and other inaudibles at me. And now she was swinging her fist. I put my hands out and back-pedaled to the door as she turned and charged at me in her self-propelled vehicular weapon. As I stumbled out of the subway car and, in utter disbelief, watched as the train pulled away, I realized that the woman was bat-shit insane. And I felt really bad for her; I'm sure she was also homeless and had who knows what other issues that, like just then, most people hadn't offered her their help to address.

This might be my favorite part, where the great hero, although he is treated poorly by his rescuee, condescends to be gracious and understanding. I mean, all he did was help her when she didn't ask him to and cause a huge scene? And then assumed she was both homeless and crazy because she wasn't grateful to him? The second time I read this I thought... what if she was trying to get off the subway and this asshole just saw a woman in a wheelchair and fucking pushed her back on it, and then stood in her way as she tried to shove him aside to get off? No, no, obviously that can't be the case. This hero knows all. He knows that black ladies in wheelchairs NEED HIS HELP AND ARE POOR CRAZIES.

Anyway, I'd like to think that if this had happened in today's world, while still not offering any assistance, assholes would at least whip out their phones and record my good deed. Hopefully, they would later upload it on some sort of hybrid between "Upworthy" and "worldstar." It'd be kinda cool to be an internet celebrity, don't ya think?

- John

Oh. Wait. This is my favorite. SORRY NO ONE VIDEOTAPED YOUR HEROISM AND YOU'RE NOT ON UPWORTHY. Apparently the real crime of the other bystanders isn't not that they didn't help the woman, but that they didn't whip out their cameras and film him doing it so he could become famous?

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#realheroes