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I'm just so lost right now. I have finally understood a bit of what my husband wants, and why it has frustrated me to no end the last few months. I want to actively work on our relationship, but he does not. Not because he doesn't want a relationship, but he does not have the capacity to do so. Which is a whole other issue, for sure. I seriously doubt once he finishes with school he will suddenly have all this free time to get into therapy and work on his issues. He claims he is working on his issues. But without the help of any actual psychiatric professionals. And I think he needs one. But again, my asking him to seek out some sort of psychiatric/counseling doesn't seem to hold much weight right now. So I am supposed to be working on myself. But I have no idea how to do that. I mean, I have sort of an idea. But all this energy and time I wanted to devote to working on our relationship, now is just hanging out, unsure of where to go next. Like, I need some structure or something. It's too much choice. I have some vague notions of "take a class" or "find a hobby that makes me interact with people"! But actually tracking down such things seems daunting. Also, I cannot count on my husband to provide child care for the kid because this semester's schedule is still not set. And if it does get set at least two nights a week he will be getting home after 8 pm, which means I will need to arrange for someone else to pick up my kid and take care of her if any activity I find is one of the nights he has clinical. I realize I am a person who likes someone else to figure out the big stuff and just tell me where I fit into it, and then I can be free and creative and figure out my own place in the grand scheme of things within the framework someone else figured out. So I am not a natural person for big picture thinking. In my job, I have to do a LOT of big picture thinking because I am a supervisor and I have to set the agenda for stuff and whatnot. So I use up most of my big picture thinking ability at work. I don't have a lot of it left over to now figure out what to do with my life while I'm waiting for my husband to have the ability to have a relationship with me. I feel a bit like Edina Monsoon – "I don't want more choice I just want nicer things!" I have too many options right now, and nothing to hang my hat upon to know what is the right direction to take. I can't pin all of it on my marriage, like I was trying to. So what do I do now? Who the fuck am I as a person? I feel like I have no idea.


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