It’s been quite some time in my professional life since I’ve been exposed to new people and contexts. My previous boss made me feel like Rapunzel in a tower - locked away and unable to interact with the outside world. She wanted me in my office at all times (despite the fact that she hired me partly because of my great connections) and didn’t include me in meetings, even when they were germane to my role, and constantly tried to control me and belittle me.
Now that I’ve quit, I’m constantly interacting with new people in new ways - in a very different and evolving role. Which is AWESOME!
But, I am a total dork - particularly when I am anxious (which I am currently, pretty much 100% of the time when I’m around others). I make idiotic jokes, say stupid things, blush, get super duper awkward, etc. My previous colleagues (the ones with whom I was close) were used to me, and I to them, so I was less aware of how much of a dork I am. But now, I’m so aware, and it’s painful. And I’m around really amazing people who I want to like me, so I want to be less of a dork (or just jump ahead to when they know I’m a nerd and like me anyway).
I was thinking this morning that maybe I should think of myself more like Kimmy Schmidt - she behaves a bit oddly, but isn’t self conscious and doesn’t really care if others think she’s weird. She’s been through a horrible ordeal, and seems to not blame herself at all for what happened to her, nor blame herself for having trouble adjusting in the aftermath. She seems like a really good role model right now.