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I'm glad I know how to be a decent person, because in my head I am the Bad Atheist and Hormonal Woman giving us all a bad name.

First, huge thanks to everyone who read and responded to my processing piece about my grandmother. It was cathartic to write and helped me sort my feelings. My aunt is taking care of my grandmother's things, and I'm hearing what's going on because my mom has been on the phone with my aunt for a lot of it. True to form, just about everything that she could take care of on her own was taken care of. Clothes were sorted for Goodwill, there were helpful notes left on things, all the trash was gone, including all of her underwear. For my mom, my aunt, and I, it's sad, but so very "her" it's also funny. She had even scheduled a house cleaning so that no one she knew would be the one to find her and she would be found quickly. There was some sort of DNR next to her and some letters, but they are still with the police, as there has to be an investigation. I've been asked if there will be a service, or what will be done with her body. I know she's not big on that, and if assumed she would want to be cremated and dealt with with little fanfare. Silly me, my bad-ass doctor grandmother was bad-ass beyond her end; she donated her body to a local university.


Anyway, this is going somewhere, I swear. So, because of how it went down, you guys actually found out about it before half of her children and most of her extended family and friends. So, starting yesterday, I was seeing FB statuses from my family. Here's where my jerk brain kicked in. At least two of them implied she was in heaven. The people who posted are Christian in a defined way, the way that says you must accept Christ as your savior to get into heaven. My grandmother was an atheist and not shy to say it. Perhaps it's part of my grieving process, perhaps it's my raging PMS, but I got angry. I didn't say anything, because that's part of their grieving, and it must be hard to believe in an afterlife and consider that someone you love is in hell. But I wanted to say "She was an atheist and you know it. Even if there was an afterlife, you know damn well she's not going to heaven."

But I didn't.

Sometimes I hate that my hormonal fluctuations have such a big impact on how I'm feeling. But sometimes I wonder why I can't accept it as part of being a woman, why it has to make me ashamed. Emotions aren't bad, fuck you, society.

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