Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery
This is a platform for User Generated Content. G/O Media assumes no liability for content posted by Kinja users to this platform.

I Am Watching The Greatest Movie In The History Of All Time

Hey did you guys know there was a 'Terminator: 3'? It totally exists. I may have seen it when it first came out, but I don't really remember. I blocked out a lot of stuff in the early 2000's that mainly had to do with some very traumatic experiences surrounding the rise in popularity of low-rise pants that year. I'm watching it now and mystified as to why anyone would not think this is the greatest film in the history of all time.

Here are the highlights so far:

  • Claire Danes early 2000's hair
  • Nick Stahl breaks into a vet's office to steal drugs.
  • Also he lives 'off the grid.'
  • Claire Danes is a veterinarian. Bhahahahahaha!
  • Much of the plot revolves around a computer 'super-virus'. OMG NO NOT A 'SUPER VIRUS' NOOOOOOO!! ANYTHING BUT THAT.
  • Shaquille O'Neal is apparently the spokesperson for Gold Bond medicated powder. That is a very interesting choice, to say the least. How did that conversation in the board room of the executives offices at Gold Bond go, exactly? "We need someone that conveys confidence in skin itch relief ointment." "Hmmm, what about four-time NBA champ Shaquille O'Neal?", "Perfect!", "Oh but he is pricey", "MONEY IS NO OBJECT AT GOLD BOND; GET HIM NOW."
  • Claire Danes has a Veterinarian Mobile. And drives it in a chase with the Terminator. Of course.
  • In what could possibly be described as arguably the greatest scene in movie history EVER, a buttass naked Arnold Schwarzenegger walks out of the desert and into a seedy bar on 'ladies night' in the middle of nowhere that is inexplicably filled with more people than Marquee on a Friday during a live performance of a leather daddy stripper. Do they give Oscars for one scene in ten-year old movies? If not, I will start a campaign, because this is clearly very important.
  • WHOA GOLD BOND COMES IN A SPRAY! THAT IS AWESOME! I wonder if Shaq had anything to do with that? "Hey guys, I will gladly be your spokesperson, but not until you make this in a spray. Shaq don't do no powders, yo." I bet it went just like that. Shaq is awesome. Thank you, Shaq!
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger tells someone to "talk to the hand."
  • I can't tell if I'm watching a new car chase scene, or if this is the same car chase scene I've been watching all along. That's because I'm lulled into a hypnotic trance by the sheer poetry of watching Arnold Schwarzenegger drive a motorcycle into a firetruck and then throw all the firemen out and then chase down a crane truck that is trying to run over a Veterinarian Mobile. This is the ultimate truth the Buddha was looking for. Watching this car chase is a transcendent experience that can end all human suffering, at least for the 812 minutes that it lasts.
  • Gold Bond Powder is like almost $2 more expensive than Gold Bond spray. See, that just doesn't seem right. I should be excited that I can get it so cheap, but now I'm thinking that maybe it's a sign that it's not as good. I hope Shaq is aware of this and plans to do something.

If you think you want to watch this awesome movie but you don't have time in your complex social calendar, check out the trailer here. I can fill you in on all the more complicated plot twists like if Claire Danes ever opts to pull her hair back or what happens to the beloved Veterinarian Mobile. (If you get emotional in movies, I should brace you—it doesn't end well for the VM. Sad. Like 'Old Yeller' sad.)

Share This Story

Get our newsletter