Yesterday, GT was wonderful in giving me suggestions on how to handle the day in which I do not come home. I really adored the letter idea!! However, it looks like I won’t need it after all... (Note: I deleted that post, thank you)
My mum called me this morning when I was on my way to work. She said that she noticed that I was taking more things out of the house (not true, I removed a trash bag filled with...trash) and wanted to know what I was going to do. I told her that I got a place and it’s all set in stone (which is vaguely true, right?).
This call actually wasn’t bad. I felt I had control over the situation. She could yell all she wants, but when it’s over a digital medium, the game is in my court.
She said a lot of things that simply weren’t true, continued to assume that I’m abandoning them (ignoring the fact that my dad has abandoned the family at least 5 times in the past 10 years), and pretty much confirmed that “help” to them means “we need you to pay for the things we can’t).
I hung up the call feeling confident. I addressed all the lies and my mom kinda just gave up. I’ll get the rest of my stuff out tomorrow and leave on what I thought would be good terms...but then...
This made me break down. All throughout my transition (not my life because he was hardly ever there for me in life) he’s been the voice of reason. And now, I don’t even have him.
I’ve spent my entire life trying to impress my parents. I’ve spent my entire life trying to make them proud of me.
Every time I disappoint them, I’m subject to 3-6 hour long “conversations” which are really just aren’t conversations, but rather them telling me how much of a disappointment I am, how they thought I was going to be different, how I used to be so smart, how they used to be so proud of me.
For the majority of my life, I have done everything in their power to please them, neglecting my own life in the process.
I couldn’t even talk to them about problems in my life (like being bullied throughout elementary and middle school) because their solutions were literally “man up and beat them up”. So eventually, I stopped telling them about me getting bullied and I just stopped trying to stop them from bullying me.
They tried to “correct” me so much that even being myself resulted in severe backlash. By the time High School came around, I had created an entirely new personality for myself...hoping maybe I’d save myself from the resulting depression from years of bullying.
It did, but that wasn’t who I was, I was never that person. I spent all of my life trying to make others happy, trying to make others not hurt me, trying to run from all of the pain that has been dealt to me.
The day I came out was the best day of my entire life. I stopped pretending to be someone who I wasn’t. I let my true self go free. And besides me getting my dream car, it was one of the first times I’ve ever done something for myself.
And for a short time, I was legitimately happy. My past was my past and my future was bright. I didn’t have a single fuck to give about anything but my own happiness and the happiness of Miss Tesla.
But here we are again. It first started with losing the two people who I thought were my best friends (and the entire “friend circle” that came with them), then tension in my family grew, and now I’m about to lose my family entirely. I feel like I’m losing everyone in my life. All I wanted to do was be happy, and yet all I’ve achieved was hurting other people. Now they’re going to lose the house and it’s all because I wanted to escape my shitty life.
Maybe my life isn’t so shitty, maybe I’m just imagining things. Maybe everyone is treating me right, but I’m taking it the wrong way. I don’t know :(
I’m in so much pain. I’m just crying at my desk because I can’t even hold back the tears.
It’s like, maybe had I just not started my transition...everything would be okay. I’d still have those friends, my parents wouldn’t be worrying about where they’re going to live, everyone would be happy but myself.
Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this, maybe I should just suck it up and be there for my dad. I’ve been doing it for years already, and now I have a legit reason to keep doing it.
I shouldn’t have to question everything I’ve done in my life. I want to be happy..but it seems every step I take towards making myself happy, I seem to burn bridges and lose people I care about like I’m some terrible lifeform.
Sorry GT, sorry for daily posting this week as well. I’m seeking a therapist at the moment...the next 24 hours are probably going to be the hardest in my life.
I don’t want to go home tonight, there isn’t much more depression I could take. Then again, my parents’ lives are about to go down the crapper because I cut off their emergency funding. There doesn’t seem to be a win in any decision I could make today. Either I save myself and my parents lose everything, or I take one for the team and just deal with it. I feel like a horrible person.
Anyway, I hope you’re all having a good day. This post probably won’t self-destruct, I’m probably going to need to read it again sometime in the future.