..and I am falling apart. TW depression/anxiety/who even knows. No mainpage...not that this would warrant it..
The last two weeks have been the hardest that I can remember. I had a job that I absolutely loved. First time in my entire life that I've ever felt like I was doing something that felt right for me. Two weeks ago my bosses told me my position is going to be eliminated. They have to restructure our team and hire a few new people, and they essentially can't afford my position anymore. They want to keep me on in one of the new positions, which is essentially going to be a demotion of sorts. There are a lot of things about the new position that I know are going to make me unhappy on a day to day basis. A big thing is a significantly lowered base pay rate (there is commission but it terrifies me to rely on that).
I'm also in the process of potentially breaking up with my live-in boyfriend of 7 years. My brain is in such complete turmoil about this. I cannot decide one way or another what I really want. One second I feel solidly that I want to stay, that I cannot imagine going through my life without this person who is my family. The next second it feels impossible to even conceive of staying. I'm stressing out every waking minute about this and it's sending me into a big downward spiral. The instant I get up every morning, I wish it was nighttime so I could just go to bed again. I'm spending my lunch breaks napping in my car. I'm just in a fog. I haven't felt this much of a downward pull in years.
I really need help sorting through my feelings. I called a therapist that my friend recommended. She's the only one who is currently on the island right now. She's completely booked. She said she can get me on a waitlist and call me as soon as she has a cancellation. She asked me to send her my insurance info, and she would get back to me ASAP and let me know that I'm officially on the waitlist. I sent everything...and heard back nothing. I emailed her asking her to confirm that she received my info. Nothing. Silence.
I know she's crazy busy but I'm feeling so disheartened right now. This is the second time in my life that I've ever even considered seeing a therapist; the first time was 6 years ago, I was depressed and self harming and in desperate need. The guy had double booked me and decided to see his other client instead. I never tried to go back, or to see anyone else. I'm feeling like I'm at the rock bottom of my feelings again and coming up short in terms of getting help..again. I don't know how to proceed from here. Feeling pretty lost.