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I can't sleep - getting a new job?

I seriously can't sleep at all. It may because my back kills. It may be because I drank a large coffee at 5pm. It may also be because I think I'm dusting off the ol' resume and applying for a new job! Eek!

I feel like a total job hopper. My first "real" job out of college was at a huge fortune 500 company vaguely in my field of study. I worked there for 2.5 years, the last year of which I did a 110-mile commute (round trip). That just wasn't going to work with my farm plans, so I applied to the job I have now.

I've been here for over 1.5 years. It was only 12 miles from my house, directly, completely in the exact field I studied and am passionate about, and was a huge step up in responsibility. It has (had?) the potential to be my dream job. Except that my boss (the head of the entire company) is a psychotic, condescending, controlling and completely non-communicative asshole. He triggered my anxiety and depression to the point that I feel I've become completely unable to perform more than an hour or two of work a day at this job. I've gotten medication and therapy, and there's a chance it will get better, but frankly I'm a useless bumbling idiot most of the time (mostly because my boss will not decide what he actually wants me to do, and keep that decision for more than 15 minutes. I am not exaggerating, it would be funny if it weren't so horrific). There's also no opportunity to move up or really change responsibilities or get more than a 2% raise, ever.

The new job is with the same company my mother has worked at for over 20 years. I know a ton about their benefits, culture, mission, etc. because of this. She has no management responsibilities and neither would I so I don't think they would hesitate to hire me. I know the hiring manager well and I know he thinks really, really highly of me. It's also only a few miles from my house and it's totally completely in my field of study.

So....I'm going to give it a shot even though I feel HUGELY guilty about it. I feel bad "giving up" on my current job - even though my boss treats me (and everyone else) like complete shit. I also feel bad because what if I change my mind about working and decide to stay home with the kids and/or farm full time? I always wanted to work off the farm too, but then this job became so awful that I've been searching for any excuse to quit just to get away. So I am telling myself it's worth applying and seeing how it goes.

Please tell me I'm not a total asshole for leaving my tiny company (3rd person to quit out of 7 in our office in the last 3 months) or for a applying for a job I may or may not want to leave in 1-5 years?

Also I'm brainstorming how to diplomatically say: "I'm looking to move on from [current company] because my boss literally won't give me any instructions at all and then gets mad when I ask questions and then changes his mind about projects after they are totally completed and it's making me cry every day"

PS here's a picture of my new baby, Mercy! Yep - my best cow Grace had a baby girl!

Illustration for article titled I cant sleep - getting a new job?

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