I have no earthly idea why, or what to do to get past it, although my therapist and I are working on it. But I'm turning into a sleep deprived mess, and thought I would consult the hivemind and see if anyone has any suggestions.
I have lived with family or roommates or my husband for my entire existence, until my divorce two years ago. Now I find myself living alone half the time, when my kids are with their dad, and I absolutely cannot sleep in my bed when I'm home alone. I sleep on the couch, but I have to play video games or read or watch Netflix until I pass out from exhaustion, usually far too late. Then I'll wake after an hour or so, my heart racing and in utter panic, then fall asleep again in 15 minutes or so, then do it all over again a couple more times before the sun comes up. It makes for horrid, broken sleep, and I am a zombie at work the next day.
From what I've worked out in therapy, I seem to be afraid of someone breaking into the house while I'm asleep, and of being trapped in my bedroom with no way to get out. I've never been the victim of a break-in before (knock on wood!!!), so I have no idea where this comes from. Sleeping on the couch makes me feel better because I'm close to the front door and could theoretically get away. I know, I'm very strange.
I've tried making myself sleep in bed, and it doesn't work. I don't sleep. I've had a panic attack the last few times I've tried. I do manage to sleep in bed when the kids are home, although I do still stay up too late and need the distraction of TV or reading to fall asleep.
I can't get an alarm system, because I rent. I have put contact alarms on all the doors and windows, but it doesn't make me feel any better, for whatever reason. I've tried pills, noise machines, journaling...I just want to sleep in my own damned bed. I've taken to sleeping over at my FWB's house almost every night my kids are gone, and although I don't mind seeing him a couple of nights a week, I'd like to stay home to sleep and not go batshit with anxiety. Does anyone have any ideas or advice?