I suspect my suicidal* thoughts are because I forgot to take my meds for a couple days. Either way, this mood I'm in is not fun. At all.
I'm just going to have to hunker down with some Oreos, Beyonce, and yoga and wait until the meds to kick in before I start to worry.** I really really want some whiskey but booze+rapid cycling=bad idea.
Usually writing helps me with my feelings, but writing scares me right now because it's so introspective. I was journaling on the train and I started crying. I haven't felt this violently depressed in a while and it's scary. I keep thinking about how precarious my life is right now, and how conflicted I am over Sokka, and how much I really wish I couldn't give a fuck about life or love or anything. I'm not afraid of change. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid things will stay the same and that this hurt and anxiety and longing isn't going to go away. I'm tired.
I was listening to a podcast on the glass delusion, and while nobody suffers from it anymore it really resonated with me. I've been feeling so vulnerable for so long that it's terrifying to try and make new friends or expose myself any more. I feel like I'm full of so many emotions already I can't hold anymore, and that if someone new pushes the wrong button I'll break. I'm afraid to let anyone new get near me, I'm afraid to let anyone close get closer. So I trap myself and create all these excuses of why I can't cultivate new friendships or go new places alone. The thought of going to a meetup or a class or even going out with a coworker after work just doesn't stick in my brain, and when anyone brings it up I have this knee-jerk reaction and automatically think up reasons not to follow through.
Hold me, GT. I know it's silly, but I want an internet hug.
I also want whiskey, but that's not going to happen for a while and it makes me sad.
*Don't worry, i've struggled with bipolar depression long enough that I'm not going to do anything. I've gone through much worse spells (if it makes you feel any better), so my self-control is finely honed. I'm not going anywhere :)
**unfortunately I also have anxiety, so not worrying when I'm on my medication is no easy feat