If they go strictly by Pinterest re-pins alone, the aliens who come to study our race 10,000 years from now will probably assume that we were a bunch of fanatics, who followed strict adherence to a scripture called "10 Ways To Re-Purpose Mason Jars!"

I have always (STUPIDLY OBVIOUSLY) assumed that a Mason jar is just for crap that sounds really cool, but you know that you are never ever going to actually eat, because it is just fucking gross. (Pickled watermelon rinds! Yum! Hibiscus linseed jelly! Oh wow!)

But if you have an Internet or have been to the Etsy, you know by now that this just flat out wrong. Mason jars do not belong in the trash. Or in a cabinet being wasted as a place to store preserved food, DUH. They are magical devices that can literally become anything you want. Anything. Mason jars can be cups and candles and planters and lots more!

Want to turn a Mason jar into a soap dispenser? Done. A picture frame? Easy. A pen cup? Oh come, you’re not even trying. A salad container? PIECE OF FUCKING CAKE. What else do you got, smart guy? An oil lamp? YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE NOW.


If I Googled long enough, I’m sure I could find detailed instructions for turning a Mason jar into a nuclear bomb of some sort. (Want to blow up Kazakhstan but you don’t want to waste another plutonium core? Use a Mason jar!) There are literally so many bullshit things you can do with Mason jars, everything on Earth might actually be, in fact, just a repurposed Mason jar.

Did you know you could turn a Mason Jar INTO A FUCKING MASON JAR? Click here to find out how!

Mason jars also make good gifts, apparently. I actually happen to like getting Mason jars from people as gifts. Because then I have an easy of knowing who, in my life, fucking hates me. Because there is no other reason to give someone a Mason jar stuffed with old rocks and dead leaves than to finally show them how much you can fucking stand them.


All kidding aside—I love that we live in a time when we think about repurposing, OK? We use way to much shit once and throw it out. Don’t get me wrong—it’s nice that you realize a Mason jar makes a practical container for your leftover sauces.

But if you're going out and buying $250 worth of Mason jars to 're-purpose', I get to call bullshit. No, you cannot tie a piece of twine around a $5 Mason jar you bought at an Urban Outfitters and call it 'upcycling.' No no no no no no.

So just remember—recycling is great. But if I come in your house, and you have a lot of this going on:



Also no. And absolutely not.


You and I are going to have a talk.