1. There is no good food. I trust yelp even less here than anywhere else. 5 stars in Denver is 3 stars in Chicago. Anything less than 5 stars is wretched.

2. The worst drivers. Slow and blind. For fuck’s sake, there are other cars on the road. Fucking let people merge and USE YOUR GODDAMN TURNS SIGNALS.

3. Why are the men so fucking touchy-feely here? If one more man touches me without my consent, I am going lose my shit. I don’t know if this part of the country is more physically affectionate than I’m used to but DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME IF YOU DON’T KNOW ME. And even then, don’t fucking touch me unless you know we’re cool.

4. People are slow. They are not problem solvers. Don’t have any expectations of anyone ever thinking or doing anything proactively.

5. Where are the black folks and the Jews? I got no people here. This city is so damn bland.

6. Happy hours without food. Who the fuck does that? It’s dinner-time. Can a woman get some nachos?

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Lest y’all think it’s all bad, there are some things I love here.

1. The Front Range. Oh my god - the mountains. The mountain towns. The insane natural beauty everywhere. It’s a 20 minute drive to heaven.

2. The weather. I’ve always dressed like a Coloradan and I didn’t know it. It’s always hoodie and yoga pants time. Even when it’s hot as balls during the day, the nights are cool and comfortable.

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3. So. Many. Dogs.

4. The weed. So good. So cheap. Seriously amazing medicine. I’m successfully off two meds and getting close to a third.

(Also I know everyone isn’t a slow touchy weirdo with no taste buds. I’m just feeling sad and lonely and very homesick.)