Today totally sucks. I just realized some horrible things about my friends and I don't know what to do.
My two best friends who I love to death invited me to lunch. I don't drive, so one of them went out of their way to come get me. I also didn't have money on me because this wasn't planned and I bring granola bars and fruit to snack on while I'm in school. So they paid for my lunch. This is pretty normal between us. We always spot each other and we all live far apart, so we take turns meeting up at places that are easier for us. We are super close and even have a nickname for ourselves. I love them to death.
Well, in the middle of lunch they asked what my plans are for after this semester and I told them where I'm applying. We started talking about requirements and application fees and testing fees and all of that. Then I mentioned that since I fell off my Dad's insurance because I'm officially an "old", I'm going to have to pay full price for a Dr's visit so she can sign all the medical forms for the programs I'm applying for, and I'll probably also need to get another TB test and stuff like that. Somehow this got one of them talking about "Obamacare" and how I'm going to be fined come October because I won't have insurance. This started both of them on a very long heated racist shit show.
It went on for about 5 minutes and I couldn't even say anything. First off, they're both white. They've said some things in the past like "well, you have a Mexican last name so it was easier for you to get financial aid." and "getting into this program would be easy for you because you have awesome grades and most of the accepted students are minorities." I always took them as really bad jokes. They know that I'm super poor and that's why I get financial aid, not because of my ethnicity.
This was completely different. They were angry and saying just horrible stuff that eventually devolved into them defending themselves (because they know what they're saying is CRAP) about how "and it's not racist! Because God forbid you have an opinion about something. God forbid we have white television programming or something. They (meaning black people) segregate themselves! Then they whine and complain about stuff when something doesn't go their way!"
I couldn't even say anything. I didn't know they thought these things. They've always been the nicest and sweetest girls I've ever met in my life. They are so smart and thoughtful and caring. I feel ashamed of them and enraged with them and just betrayed. The way they were talking was exactly like how you see tea party members talk. I didn't even know how to react. One of them is way worse than the other (she said the above) and was just so into it and heated. This is not to say the other one is innocent, she said some horrible things herself.
A part of me also feels like this is something they've had to have personally kept hidden from me and discussed with each other before. They have never done anything like this before in front of me, but it was like they felt so comfortable spewing all that bullshit. Are they having secret racist meetings or phone calls? Or do they just reserve this type of shit for when I'm not there?
I just don't know. I'm back at school and I'm just running more and more through what they said and I am just so mad. I need to have a real talk with them but I don't know what to say beyond "OH MY FUCKING GOD! STOP BEING A RACIST FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
I don't want to lose them as friends because they've been such good friends and have helped me through so much. But I also don't want to be friends with racists.