And I'm quite tired of people expecting me to be.
I guess cuz I'm usually optimistic and bubbly, it's incredibly off-putting for people IRL when I'm not. Also because I have a lot of empathy and I'm a "fixer" and want to help everyone all the time, people don't seem to like it when I just...can't. Sometimes I can't. I'm sorry.
I had this problem with my ex who just could NOT handle it when I was anything other than rainbows and sunshine, but he's not the only one. It's nearly everyone (save for a couple of close friends). I feel like everyone is just tolerating me lately because I've been down. They love me when I keep my mouth shut about my life and listen to them complain and do everything in my power to help them, but the second I say anything that isn't about how everything is going to be fine, they're just over it.
I told my mom all of this once, and she told me "you're a woman, and a [her maiden name]. Don't you know what that means? It means you're not allowed to be stressed, or sad, or angry. It means you're the rock for everyone else. It means you keep a smile on and tell everyone that everything will be ok even when your life is crumbling." It's true. That's always been my mom's role, and it pretty blatantly fucked her up. That's why she proceeded to tell me "you're allowed to feel. Anyone who can't handle that is in the wrong, not you."
As objectively true as that is, it still sucks. Everyone loves me when I'm happy and cheerful and making plans and am outgoing. But when I'm stressed or sad or just out of it, pretty much how I've been lately due to a myriad of reasons, I'm just crazy and annoying and emotional and overreacting.
I shouldn't be snapped at for trying to talk about my life and problems because someone is "going through a lot of their own shit." So am I, but I still try to be there for the people I care about. I don't need people to put ALL OF THEIR ATTENTION ON ME RIGHT NOW, or even to fix my life. Sometimes, hell most of the time, I just want them to listen. Maybe I want someone to tell me that everything will be ok. Or ask me "is there anything I can do?" instead of dismissing me or telling me to calm down.
Mostly I just want people to stop expecting me to be happy all of the time. I'm allowed to be sad, too.